Monday, April 29, 2013

Heisman Trophy My @$$...I Just Want My House Back!

OK people out in the blogosphere…this rant will probably offend anyone who is a severe football fanatic sooooo let me apologize in advance for what I am about to BLART… BUT who gives a rat’s ass who’s the number one pick in the NFL Draft?!  I really don’t give a $#!T(if this was a real BLART there would be a roll of TP in front of the $#!T…need to learn how to create TP in a Word doc! HA! But any hoo… I digress...)…I just want my F’in home back! So fellow NFL hater’s here’s what happened…every year I have to endure the following ridiculous and totally annoying events in my household:

1)      The NFL Combine-Basically torturous circuit training that they have fooled the new NFL up and comer’s (they are not very smart fella’s) into thinking that surviving it, is the ONLY way to prove themselves worthy of their NFL’ness!   Why yes…that would be running around in tights, grabbing each other’s asses (they call it tackling but all I see is a big dude pulling some guys down by the shorts!), and running around making sure that they play “keep away” from the other mean kids on the playground!  So ridiculous!

2)      The NFL Draft-Gathering of a bunch of really BIG dudes and their Lemmings A.K.A. NFL fans where it is totally appropriate to kiss, hug, and pat each other on the ass when they are drafted onto an NFL team.  Kind of seems a little “Romanesque” to me…I’m just sayin’.

3)      Fantasy Football Draft-Virtual idiot NFL team owners who trick each other into taking each other’s crappy ass NFL players (all in the name of male bonding) with the hopes of winning “The Big One”.  Oh and they also make fun of each other and call each other douche bag’s over the chat session as the games are going on in real time! Who does not find being call an ass clown TOTALLY entertaining…ah…that would be me! 

4)      Football Season-7 months out of the year where I have to endure couch commando’ing, beer drinking, and basic ignorance of anything going on around the person watching “The Foosball”.  Totally ridiculous…makes me want to go back in time and kill the sick sadistic fool that invented this stupid ass game!  Thinking that it was some whack a doodle that was trying to steal a loaf of bread, back in the day,  and when he got tackled to death, the on-lookers were like “Hee Hee…now that’s entertainin’ let’s do that AGAIN!...with more witnesses!” Again…totally ridiculous!

OK so here’s the deal, every NFL lover KNEW that last weekend was the NFL draft and I have to tell you that I had to “prepare” for it a week prior to the stupid ass event even happening because for some (my Dallas Cowboys loving husband…that in itself is just sad right?) that event is the SHIZZNIZZLE!  My husband is such a football freak to the point where he had to repeatedly remind me over and over again, that he was going to be “unavailable” the WHOLE weekend that the DRAFT was going on and that I would have to understand that he was not to be “bothered” the whole entire time!  WTF?  First of all…I kind of did a little jump for joy when I realized that he was basically going to be in a zombie like trance all weekend and that I could totally shop my ass off and he would have NO clue what happened…BUT the kicker of it all is that unbeknownst to me, he has commandeered the whole entire house!  OMG!  Every TV is either tuned to ESPN or is DVR’ing something that is related to this totally ridiculous event!  Don’t get me started on how every computer is streaming some form of NFL related vomitus crap and he has Sirius Satellite radio blasting the NFL radio channel on his CELL PHONE!!!  Who in the hell does this?  I refuse to believe that this “Event” is so important to warrant basically a NFL Draft “Home Base” that is so intense that if a gnat farts the house alarm goes off and the NFL SWAT team comes busting in!  Again…totally ridiculous!  Don’t get me started on what happens after this outrageous event where I have to basically hear about every football player’s life events EVERY SINGLE DAY and how that is going to have an effect on his fantasy football chances for success because he pulled a butt muscle or some other stupid random injury!  Who gives a rip whether or not some dude has turf toe or is going to be traded because he has a hang nail?!  I DON’T CARE! Totally makes me want to invent the NSL (National Shopping League) and watch ladies get drafted (based on their bad ass shopping abilities) and then have them shop against each other to see who can get the same things on their lists at the VERY same time!  Reminded me of an article that I read once about those crazy brides that basically go “Wild Kingdom” on each other’s asses over bride dresses that go on sale at Filene’s basement!  I would totally watch that crap and get some well needed shopping pointers from those ladies in the process! UFC had better watch out…I heard those ladies are vicious!  HA! Thinking that making my husband endure the NSL with me might make him catch a clue at how ridiculously stupid this whole NFL DRAFT thing is…all I know is that I want my home back from the crazy NFL fan that has been sitting in his chonies with the remote in his hand for 3 WHOLE DAYS! !  If any of you out in the blogosphere have to endure this same form of torture please comment and share…my little cardboard box house, out in my back yard, is about to get some curtains installed because my real house is being held hostage by the stupid NFL DRAFT!  Again…WTF is up with that? 

What am I listening to as I rant in this bloggary:  Thunderstruck, by AC/DC.

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