My Gene Pool Is Scaring Me…Yeah…My Parents Are In Town!

OK fellow bloggers…today’s rant is about a conversation that I had with one of my co-workers about relatives and how they kind of suck sometimes!  So I decided to share with you all in the blogosphere a little taste of what mine are like…so here you go…my parents have a motor home and they travel around the country and every so often they visit us from time to time.  Well, a couple of years ago they decided that they wanted to spend the winter near us, so they purchased a little park model (which is basically a port-a-potty with a TV…that tin can is so damn small!) and they spend every glorious winter with us.  Yay Lucky Me…yeah not so much when you hear what they are like!  So let’s just give you all a little bit of a Cliff Note version of what my parents are like: my dad is from Texas and he talks with a Southern drawl (which is fine…don’t want any Texans after my ass for dissn’ their state!) but as of late the drawl has taken over his ability to complete sentences…in like he talks so damn slow he makes a sloth look like LoLo Jones! My wonderful mother (have to say that just in case she has hi-jacked someone’s computer and is reading this rant!) has a hard time hearing and she refuses to get a hearing aid because she thinks that they are ugly!  So frustrating! So when she finally decides that she wants to hear what you have to say (like since when do parents EVER want to hear what their children have to say right?) she yells “What you say?” at the top of her lungs…in YOUR EAR!  I don’t know if any of you all in blogger land have ever heard a Korean mother yell…but let’s just say that the woman has some vocal cords on her that would rival the “Let’s Get Ready To Rumble” emcee at a professional boxing match!  Oh and my dad has a bum ankle and he can barely walk (like he can get any slower right?  Sheesh!)…so between the two of them I am hoping that they do not have to cross any freeways any time in their near future because it would surely look like that video game Frogger but WAY scarier!  Yeah good times!  So any hoo…my dad calls me on my cell (which takes forever because he is calling out my name and then yelling profanities at the obvious technology that has wronged him because he can’t figure out that I CAN HEAR HIM!) and tells me that they are going to come visit us, but as usual, I have to meet them in some remote whack a doodle place like we are CIA agents making a hostage exchange during the Cold War!  WTF right? I grudgingly agree, and after a lot of cussing and procrastination, I haul myself into my car and make my way to the clandestine destination that Mr. Bond A.K.A my father has picked…only to find that…yeah… it’s a Safeway one block away!  Like seriously?  Can he not make it all the way TO MY HOUSE?  Makes me want to send an e-mail to Google maps and tell them that they are missing out on a demographic here and that they need to develop senior friendly apps, that are in large font, with a lot of BIG cartoon pictures so that my parental units can figure out how to go ONE BLOCK FURTHER!  Envisioning this app to have a Beverly Hillbilly’s LEGO theme here…hmmm…thinking this idea could be another KEEPER!  HA! Holy Crap!  The kicker of the whole situation is when I pull up next to them and they get out of their 1980’s BMW (yes…they still own the same car that I learned to drive in!)…I am floored with what my eyes are witnessing…all I can say is What.The.F*!!!!  My mother looks like she has raided my closet from high school (I left that crap there for a reason!) and is wearing my old acid washed teal blue denim jacket with shoulder pads so large that she looks like some sadistic version of Devo (minus the crazy flower pot hat BUT if you were to see my mother’s bee hive hairdo you would understand that the effect is just the same! Holy shit!) that has gone horribly wrong!  OMG!  She is also sporting a pair of black slouch Zodiak boots that were also cast offs in my 80’s closet from hell with a pair of …why yes…she has a pair of vintage Guess zip up acid washed jeans on!  Seriously?  I clearly want to walk right past them and head straight to the nearest liquor store and drink a gallon of Tequila in order to make it through this “family reunion”!  Again…What.The.F*!  Thankfully my dad wanders over first which gave me some time to catch my breath and actually have the ability to complete coherent sentences because my mind is clearly reeling from what I am witnessing…as in my 80’s cast offs from hell coming back to haunt me in the form of my MOTHER! GAH!  She takes one look at me, puts her hands on her hips and proudly says the following “Everything always comes back in style…what do you think?!” and then she spins around so that I can see the full ensemble!  OMG!  What do I say here?  Why yes…all of you in the blogosphere who have been reading my rants know what I did…I took one look at her and started LAUGHING MY ASS OFF!  To say that I can still hear my mother’s ass chewing is an understatement but that laugh fest was totally worth it! Holy Crap So Terrifying!  Geeze…the depressing thing is that my parental units are giving me a glimpse of what I am going to be like when I get to be their age and that shit is horrifying!  Like could I get any more depressed at getting older right? Well, if any of you in the blogosphere have ever come to the realization that you’re genetic make-up is so scary that Pinhead from Hellraiser is fist pounding you…please comment and let me know…because I think that my parents have already cornered the market on gene pools that have gone so very wrong on so many levels…well at least my mother has!  Sheesh…again WTF? 

What am I listening to as I rant in this bloggary:  You’re So Vain, by Carly Simon.