Friday, April 12, 2013

Is That A Swimsuit Or An Acme Tent You Got Goin’ On There?


Today’s blog is about going to the mall with the intent of buying a much needed swimsuit and realizing that I should have been shopping at an Army surplus store!  OMG!  So terrifying!  Let me just set up the scene for all of you in blogger land…I, like every other shopaholic, go through my closets like twice a year and weed the $#!T out of it so that I can go shopping for more crap!  I have a really good con that I have got going on here because I shamelessly dupe my husband into thinking that I am actually getting rid of my cherished fashion faux pas as he watches me pile the bags into my car and drive away ALONE with the totally LAME ass excuse that I am going to Salvation Army…for the rest of the day…and not come back until the mall closes!  He is too slow to figure out that no matter how many bags of crap I donate, oddly enough my closet is still stuffed to the brim…hmmmm…so perplexing as to how that happens!  He’s so clueless! HA!  Any hoo…I came to the realization that the bikini that I was saving (I have NO idea now for what event I could have worn a bikini that looks like something that Gidget would have proudly worn…like in the 60’s…but again…I digress!) and that I needed to go and do what every middle age woman HATES to do…go swimsuit shopping!  Just the thought of going swimsuit shopping makes me want to claim that I have an allergy to sunlight and go right back into the comfortable cave that I just peeked my head out of and NEVER come back out again!  YIKES! I am just going to put it out there…swimsuit shopping sucks! It was tolerable when I was young and in shape but now that I am just old and ghastly the act is torturous and just plain mean!  I’m just sayin’…and when I finally make it to the mall (yes people were staring at the pools of sweat that had formed under my armpits and across my forehead to the point that people were swerving out of my way like I had some disease from the Middle Ages (no pun intended on the middle age thing here HA!)) I schlep my way over to the first department store that my old ass sees, and make a beeline towards the swimsuit section…with my head down, sunglasses still on my stupid face giving me a false sense of security…like if I wear them people CANNOT SEE ME…you know like they are Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak in the form of eye goggles they are so ginormous!  Yes…I know…I seriously need therapy at this point…YIKES!  Sooooo anyway…what I am about to share with all of you out in the blogosphere is frightening so just prepare yourselves…OK…so what did I find in my “age appropriate” women’s section?  Why yes…I found what I would call a ”short-i-tard”…you know a tank top sewn to what appears to be some bike short/skort combo that makes you look like you have donned some huge ass hip waders…with the whole boot-to-knee part clearly missing! All I can say is WTF?  I want to tell all of you in blogger land that my mind was reeling with how you could wear such a thing and then how do you…I don’t know…pee in such a contraption?  I know how hard I battle a wet one piece as I try to wiggle it off my body, cussing the whole time, as it rolls and twists slowly down my body as I fight the urge to pee my pants because IT JUST WON’T COME OFF! Kind of makes me flash back to when I was on my first Carnival Cruise Ship (the one that did not break down and hand out bio hazard bags like candy) and went into that itty bitty shower and tried to shave my legs all the while fighting that stupid shower curtain from sticking to my ASS! SO ANNOYING!   BTW…trying to get THAT short-i-tard thing off would be like how a mouse feels when he/she (have to be gender PC here HA!)  is getting the “how you doin’ hug” from a python! Sheesh!  The horror of it all!  The serious straw that broke the “swimsuit clothed” camel’s back was when I looked through the rack and saw…that it comes in different styles…like the top can be a short or long sleeved rash guard!?  Seriously wondering how you cop a squat in that contraption…made me think to NEVER get in a pool with someone wearing that baby because I KNOW that they are clearly peeing in that pool because they CAN’T TAKE IT OFF…like EVER!  Again…so wrong on soooo many levels!  So you all are probably wondering if I ever recovered from this bout of craziness and actually pulled my head out of my ass to seriously buy something…well the answer is a pathetic yes….I bought a really boring black one piece (I leaned towards the safe side telling myself that black is a slimming color) and vowed to only go out in public after dark…in a Mumu…and hand out eye covers to everyone around me, before I take my Mumu (that has an odd resemblance to an Acme tent) off!  Again…just want to put it out there…swimsuit season SUCKS...well unless you are hot and look like a Sports Illustrated/Calvin Klein model and if you are could you please comment and follow this blog so that I know  where to find you?  My poor blood shot eyes cannot take on any more trauma than they already have…if you have been reading my blogs you understand the reality of that last statement…you really do!  J

 

What am I listening to as I rant in this bloggary:  Cruel Summer, by Bananarama.

4 comments:

  1. OMG!!! YES!! Bathing suit season is the worst. I admit I haven't worn a swim suit in many year,,,,since I was in middle school I imagine. They really are great for those lucky model sized types. The rest of us look as bad as that creepy, old, hairy, greasy, 2 tons guy in the speedo. Shopping for one is even worse for the big breasted woman (and I'm not talking fake boobs, we all know those things hold their place pretty well.) the girls either flop around, fall out or squish down to our belly buttons. Then the suit straps or ties always dig Into your neck or shoulders under the weigh of your boobs and lack of proper support....bathing suits are the devil.

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    1. ROFL! :) I now have a visual of some very nasty old dude in a banana hammock that is casually lounging with some random lady (with a big bladder) wearing that "short-i-tard" torture device sipping bloody mary's at the pool of a Motel 6! HAHAHAHHAAAAAA! Too funny!

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  2. Also, you're not all that crazy, I totally do the same thing with my shade. Just strolling through the store, checking people out cause I can see you but you can't see me. I often repeat that in my head as I walk through the store. I may also be starting to believe I'm a ghost in these moment, instead of invisible. Well, that's my excuse for running people over with my cart.....I thought I could pass through....if not, it doesn't matter be because they can see me :) hahaha

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    1. I have these huge round ones that slightly resemble the glasses from the little annoying super hero costume designer from that cartoon the Incredibles! They are like so round that they cover up half of my face...hmmmm....I should have tried to wear them when I had that big ol' zit on my forehead that made me look like some slightly deranged Unicorn! HAHAHAHAAAA!

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