Friday, April 19, 2013

Passing Gas IN PUBLIC ...What Are You Five?

OK…so everyone out in the blogosphere knows that this blog generally bashes the stupid $#!T that my husband does and I wanted to share with you another WINNER!  So here you go!  We were in the Super Target the other day and we were casually strolling around the ginormous store picking up miscellaneous crap and shoving it in our basket when my husband nonchalantly leaves me and my daughter standing in the DVD section by ourselves.  I, being the stupid fool that I am, think nothing of this and as my daughter and I make our way towards where he has “just exited stage left” I start to smell something kind of funny in the air.  Scrunching my nose up, I casually look down at my daughter who has her little hand covering her entire face (she was more at the level of the gas infested storm…so she was in the first strike zone…poor thing!) and then she does what any child does…she screams out “Mommy…did you fart?”…like IN PUBLIC!!!!  Yeah…there are times where you want to NOT claim your children and sadly enough because my other half CRAPPED HIS PANTS…this was one of those moments!  I WAS HORRIFIED!  I quickly lean down and tell her that I did NOT just crank out a butt bomb and that we should use our “inside voice” from here on out…like that EVER works with children but I HAD to do something right?!  Oh BTW…while I was trying to control the scene…the stench was getting worse by the Nano-second so not only am I horrified here but I am also about ready to pass out from the lack of oxygen being sucked out of the air by the obnoxious gaseous fumes that clearly were not from a person from this planet!  Thinking that at least ET’s farts would have the common sense to have the faint scent of Reese’s pieces looming around it instead of something that smells like a cross between rotting beer and nasty BBQ!  Seriously!? WTF?  Oh…did I also tell you all in the blogosphere that I am not alone in this aisle of fumes that would make tear gas run for its life? Yeah…life could not give me a break here and let me be ALONE in the aisle of shame…OH NO…there is a really cute elderly couple that are clearly traumatized by the witnessing and now smelling the whole scene a couple of DVD’s over!  Yeah…good times…NOT!!!  To say that they are quickly making their way away from us is an understatement…I had NO clue that one could walk so fast in one of those walker thingy’s but apparently those tennis balls give those babies traction because those elderly folks fled the scene like THEY were the ones that obviously SHARTED their pants!!!!  OMG!  Clearly want to DIE now!  So now you all on the blogosphere are probably wondering what I did here right?  Well I did what any grown adult does…I ran out of there like I had just robbed the Gotham City Bank with Batman chasing me down with a gas mask on!  Sheesh!  The “funny” thing about this whole thing was that I found my husband just around the corner laughing so hard that he was practically rolling on the floor…yeah he heard it all (that bastard!!!!) and when he finally recovered from his laugh fest he was like “why are you mad? It was just a fart?!”  Seriously feel the need to roll him like a mugger from the streets of NY and kick his nasty ass all over the Super Target’s floors!   I finally catch my breath, unclench my fists, and do what any mature adult does…I give him the finger and storm off!!!! That will teach him…well not really…because I am blogging about him…yet again…so obviously you CANNOT teach an old dog new fart tricks!  Sheesh!  WTF? Who lets out an anal explosion in public?  If any of you in blogger land have been subjected to such treatment please feel free to comment and let me know that I am not alone and clearly not suffering from some brain damage from the lack of oxygen here!  Sheesh!

What am I listening to as I rant in this bloggary:  Catch My Breath, by Kelly Clarkson.



  1. Tehe I already like your man lol.

  2. He is quite the catastrophe superhero...stay tuned for more catastrophic acts to come! LOL! ;)