Sunday, June 16, 2013

I Did A Little Facebook Stalking and I Am Not Ashamed!


Well, my blogger friends, I am just going to put it out there… why yes…I did the dirty deed…I did a little bit of Facebook stalking and I’m not ashamed!  So here’s what prompted my Facebook stalkerazzi…a couple of weeks ago I wandered upon Jen Kehl’s Mixed Tape Tuesday blog hop (which is fabulous by the way…you all should participate it is SO awesome! www.jenkehl.com) and the theme was to create a breakup mix tape full of songs that tells your ex or super crush that you basically want them back…like BAD (OK let’s not get all Glenn Close bunny in a pot BAD here…we just want them to notice that we exist! Sheesh!) Well….so I had to put some Journey on the list and that is where it kind of spiraled out of control.  OK…I am just going to go there…if you were a girl in the 80’s, and you had a crush on say…the high school quarterback…you listen to A LOT of Journey.  That was just the rule and rules should be followed people!  So as I created my list, I started to think about the worst crush EVER and then that was where I found myself unashamedly doing a little Facebook stalking and I have to admit…it was very interesting…VERY SCARY but totally worth the stalking!  So here’s what I learned…apparently there was a high school reunion that I totally missed!  WHAT.THE.HELL? So when I find this out, I immediately call my parental units and start the Korean Inquisition on my mother who, was like…”who this?” Ah yeah…she still can’t hear…so I can totally tell you all that my evil plan on verbally torturing her were totally flushed down the shitter when she repeats over and over again  “what you say?” at the top of her lungs in her crazy broken English!  Yeah…good times!  So when I finally yell so loud that the astronauts on the space station were tweeting me telling me to shut the F* up, my dad finally intervenes and takes the ear torture device away from the crazy Korean who can’t hear a F’ing thing!  SO FRUSTRATING!  Any hoo…I finally get around to asking my dad about the reunion and he was like “Oh, yeah…did we forget to send you that?”  I would have totally lost my mind at this point, but because he takes so long to say anything, I had already fallen asleep and was dreaming about all of the hotties from that movie Magic Mike when he rudely interrupted my hot dream by DROPPING HIS PHONE on the floor!   Yeah…I am deaf in one ear now…oddly enough this news makes my mother happy! HA!  Just kidding! So any hoo…now that I know that my parents really do have Alzheimer’s because they seriously cannot remember my address to forward anything that lands in their mailbox with MY NAME on it as well as I have a bum ear now from calling their assess I figured that I had suffered enough verbal torturing to last a lifetime and hand the phone to my daughter who…well…she does what any four year old does…she hangs up on them! OOPS!  Don’t judge…you have no idea how crazy my gene pool is…and I called them back and left them a voice mail message apologizing…yeah I totally knew that they still thought that they were talking to my daughter when the PHONE WAS DEAD but hey…I still apologized right? Isn’t that what counts? Miss Manners would be so proud of my behavior here…NOT!  Sooooooo, anyway after I threw back a bottle of Tequila, I get on trusty Facebook and start looking at all of the reunion pics and I was like NO WAY!  Holy crap!  Some of them, I was like yeah…I  recognize them, but then some I was like THAT is what’s his face?  WHAT THE HELL happened to that guy?  I was horrified to find that some of the HOTTEST guys in my high school were now yeah…not so much.  Some of them, I would not recognize if they passed me on the street…it was horrifying!  As I paged through picture after picture, I found myself scared to scroll to the next pic as I had no clue what my old ass eyes were going to find!  I finally land on the money shot…I find THE dude that made me spend every single night of my high school life miserably singing my heart out to Journey as I ate my weight in Dorito’s!  UGH that visual is BLEAK!  But what I see makes me oddly…happy?!  He is no longer the blond, blue eyed, tall muscled quarter back that I remembered him to be…he is now a pudgy old guy with a mini comb over going on! What.THE.F?!   This is going to make me sound like a total Bitch, but I was actually doing a little chair dance at what I was seeing!  I could not believe that this was the dude that made me sing to Journey and wander around with that love lost puppy look on my face 24X7 only to realize that he DID NOT KNOW THAT I EXISTED! WHAT.AN.AHOLE! If that dude came up to me now, I would pepper spray his ass and then run like I was being chased by the Crypt Keeper!  YIKES!  I kept looking at the pictures thinking that maybe they had him confused with someone else but as I kept going through those high school re-union “mug shots” I realized that he was with his old crew and they were nasty too!  WOO HOO!  I am actually  dancing around now, fists pumping in the air, with a big ass grin on my face like I just won a UFC fight against Pacquiao ( I clearly know way TOO much about sports…I need to cut the cable that is ONLY associated with sports channels! Sheesh!)   I know now without a doubt that it’s him…and he is full on GROSS now!  I found myself oddly relieved, that I had dodged that bullet, and loving the fact that not only is he ghastly but the multitude of girls that he dated were hideous too! I wanted to comment and tell those ladies that Botox is really cheap now and that p90x can be borrowed from the library…for FREE…so they have NO EXCUSE to look so nasty!  Sheesh!  I guess the moral of this verbally bloated bloggary is that everything happens for a reason…if any of you out in the blogosphere need to explain to your teenager why crush’s hurt so much let them know that there is sunlight at the end of the depressing black crush tunnel! Tell them that he or she might be hot now, but later on in life not so much…they will be thanking that d’bag later on in life, once they see the size of the disgusting bullet that they have dodged! The pictures on Facebook do NOT lie people…you should stalk and show them some examples…it is really very educational but prepare yourself...so F'in SCARY!  YIKES!  I can safely say that I am thanking the “Teenage Crush God’s for allowing that beast to ignore my ass...that dude is downright scary now!  YIKES!

 

What am I listening to as I pen this bloggary:  Teenage Dream, by Katy Perry.

43 comments:

  1. Hahaha this is wonderful. I personally haven't been out of school long enough for my peers to morph into saggy, unrecognizable mess yet but I now look forward to it. Haha

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    1. Oh you have NO idea how weird it is to see how they have changed! The crazy thing is that dude was like HOT...I mean every girl in our high school was lusting after that dude and now he just looks...well...sad! I always say that everything happens for a reason and this is just a PRIME example where that principle applies! Sheesh that dude is scary!

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  2. What a fantastic story!! Personally, I had my revenge a few months ago. I saw a woman who used to really have a go at me in high school. She had 5 kids in tow behind her!! From what I've heard there are 3 different fathers and her eldest was born right out of high school!!!
    It was only 11 years ago for me.... But the icing on the cake was that time hasn't been kind to her at all!! Haha, she was even picked as the most likely to succeed!! She was one of those bullies that every one seemed to worship!! I definitely stood a little straighter with pride that day ;P

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    1. Oh I know right? I felt kind like a big ol' B for being so happy that he and his crew looked like hell but then again...karma is a bitch right? That girl with the 5 kids should have been a nicer person and then maybe she wouldn't be the hose beast that she is today! I have to say that I a glad that this post could be shared by other people who understand how I felt when I saw him...I seriously DANCED my ass off! ;)

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  3. This was hysterical to the point where I am now singing Faithfully as I keep believing that my high school crush now cries because he didn't give me the time of day!

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    1. ROFLMAO! I TOTALLY get where you are at right now...that feeling...is how I would think REVENGE would feel! I know that I should NOT be admitting that I was happy but I can't lie...I really was...and it was MAGNIFICENT! ;)

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  4. "Open Arms" was our song in high school - not that it helped the relationship last past graduation. I love stalking on Facebook - it's not my fault if people don't set their privacy settings, right? I'm so happy for you that they all looked like crap :)

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    1. I should feel HORRIBLE that I was HAPPY that they looked like the Golden Girl's and I am talking about the first episode here of that show...like the Pilot...but I am so NOT! That song Open Arms is a classic Dorito's eating, wallow in your "crush pity" song...I know from first hand experience...BUT it doesn't stop me from LOVING that song OR eating Dorito's NOW! HAHAHAHAAAA!

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  5. Here's where I admit I found an old boyfriend the other night. He doesn't have a facebook page but his old school friend does and I saw photos. I was kinda disappointed he looked as good as he did.
    Thanks for hooking up to the Hump Day Hook Up

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    1. Well...think of it this way...his pic could be photoshopped so that he looks better than he actually does! I would like to think that those antiques at my high school reunion should have thought of that before they posted those ghastly pics of themselves...YIKES! That crap is just frightening!

      Thanks for the invite to the Hop! I will wander over next week and link up! ;)

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  6. Loved reading this! Visiting from the Hump Day Hook Up!

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    1. Hey thanks for love! I love it when people come on over and read my verbally bloated crap and like what I am ranting about! Stay tuned...I have more awesome rants that I am dying to get out in the blogosphere! ;)

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  7. I would so love to check out my exes on Facebook too but am too scared at what I will find!

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    1. OMG...you totally have to do it! It is so entertaining and even if that dude is still hot he is probably an even bigger d'bag than he was before...guys might get hotter as they age but they also get to be even bigger grouchy aholes! So you can thank your lucky stars that you got rid of that dude...he is probably a bigger JACK ASS now! ;)

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  8. This is great! Luckily my main ex does not have Facebook!! Every now and then his photo pops up on other people's albums but i am not missing anything.

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    1. I have to tell ya that I feel like I have won the Lottery every time I look at that dude's nasty ass! I really should feel bad about how HAPPY I feel but then again...Karma has a way of making the rounds...I guess that dude got a big ol' dose! HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!

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  9. Ha!Ha! Loved this post! Age has a great way of evening the score in the looking gorgeous/being a gorgeous person balance. When I went to my high school reunion a few years ago (all girls school so no crushes to view) I was surprised at how much nicer everyone was than I remembered - maybe age made them civilized too. I would stalk more of my old boyfriends but I have a hard job remembering their names now...

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    1. Looking at these pictures was seriously shocking! I was not joking when I said that if they passed me on the street I would not know who they are...this stalking was really very educational and I recommend it to EVERYONE! ;)

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  10. LOL One of the many wonders of Facebook! Loved this post! Thanks for linking it up at the Ladies Only Blog Share Link Party. :)

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    1. I am glad that you liked reading about my sad high school crushfest! Thanks for the link up...I will wander over next week and link up again with another thought provoking post! HAHAHHAHAAA!

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  11. Whenever my oldest gets down about the on/off switch of "friendship" the Queen Bees like to throw, I tell her - "honey.. when you come home for your 20th year HS reunion, you and mommy will share a glass of wine as we HAHAHAHA over how dumpy they've become and how their lives turned out as miserable as them" because I guarantee you that it will happen. Thanks for linking up with us for the #LOBS party!!!

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    1. ROFLMAO!!!! You can tell your oldest that unless this B's are seriously "in touch" with their plastic surgeon they will be hideous hose beasts! You should stalk and share with her...it is HIGHLY educational! ;) Thanks for the invite to the party!

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  12. Hilarious! I've been known to stalk.

    What's funny is that I didn't go to my 10th reunion a few years ago because there was one classmate in particular I just couldn't deal with seeing. We were such enemies as kids! Well get this - we got close through facebook and email since then and now I call her a good friend. Who knew?!

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    1. That is so awesome that you are now friends...I have to admit...I am now in LOVE with Facebook! I want to send that Zuckerman dude an e-mail letting him know that his social GENIUS software creation just made my YEAR! :)

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  13. Hysterical! I don't stalk but for probably only because I have no time!! I haven't gone to any reunions...I figure if I haven't kept in touch with most of these people, I probably don't need to spend money flying cross country to go to a reunion. Isn't it always the way though that people who were hot in high school look terrible now?! Visting from the Ladies Only Blog Share - thank you for linking up with us!

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    1. Oh I totally agree...flying across the country to visit people that you really do not have ANYTHING in common with is just torture with a capital T! If you really want to have a good laugh...grab a glass of wine...login to Facebook and just check the pics out! So worth the time...and with some alcohol...GOOD TIMES! HHAHAHAHAAAAAA! Thanks for the invite!

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  14. Hi stopping in from the Ladies Only Hop. Very funny post. Following you on google+.

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    1. I am glad that you enjoyed it! I can't even begin to describe how liberating it feels to see him looking so ghastly...I love that lady Karma! She is my BEST FRIEND! ;)

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  15. Heehee! Yup, been there too! Popping over from My Life As A Mummy's weekend blog hop. Pleased to 'meet' you. :)

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    1. Isn't it GREAT?! I have had a huge SMILE on my face since this happened! I love Facebook and the fact that people shared those hideous pics! ;) Glad to meet you too...hopefully you will wander on back to read some more of by verbal gaseous blogging nonsense! ;)

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  16. it's fun to see anyone from hs and see how much they changed. good think they tell me that i look the same way i did in hs. maybe a little heavier but way better than needing botox! thanks for sharing on my blog hop!

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    1. Hey thanks for the invite! I should be slightly ashamed about my Facebook stalking...but I really am NOT! ;)

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  17. Found you through The Wondering Brain blog hop :->

    Oh yeah, the high school reunion. Geez. What a night that was for me! I didn't want to go but a dear friend made me and... I'm glad I did. (It was so-o-o-o weird though, the first love-of-my-life is pudgy and slightly bald. What?!)

    You have me in the mood to go do some FB stalking now.

    ~Ann Harrison
    http://www.annagainandagain.com/

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    1. You should tell me how that FB stalking went...as you can tell I am still riding the high from what my stalkerazzi found! ;)

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  18. Bahaha .. this is awesome and don't worry, we are all guilty of Facebook stalking!

    Thank you for linking to Raising Imperfection.
    Please come back Friday to see if you were featured. :)

    ¤´¨)
    ¸.•*´
    (¸¤ Lanaya | xoxo
    Raising-Reagan.com

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  19. Thanks! I feel like I just won the "I am not a hag" lottery! hahahahahahaaa! I will swing on over and visit again! ;)

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  20. I am totally guilty of face booking stalking, doesn't everyone?

    Thank you for linking up to Raising Imperfection!
    Make sure to check back on Friday to see if you were featured.
    Leslie
    www.violetimperfection.com

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    1. I know...it is so HARD not too...but I had to once I realized that i had missed my reunion and I am so NOSY that way!

      Thanks for the invite to the blog hop!

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  21. I am guilty of facebook stalking. Its nice to know you are doing better than those that hurt you.

    Thank you for linking up with The Weekend Blog Hop

    Hope to see you again this weekend

    Laura x x x

    http://xmylifeasamummyx.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. I know...that dude didn't even know that I existed...but then agin asian Book Nerd so I was probably pretty invisible by design right? I just could not believe how NASTY that dude is now...so WRONG!

      Thanks for the invite to the Blog Hop!

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  22. LOL!!!! First of all, your mom sounds like my mom. Then again, she's Asian too! Secondly, I am cracking up because I am the reunion coordinator for my high school so I TOTALLY understand when the stalking happens and wonder, WTH?!? I had a CRUSH on HIM?!? hahaha! Thanks for sharing your stalking moment with us @ My Favorite Posts SHOW OFF Weekend Blog Party :)

    Jessica
    The Wondering Brain

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    1. Ahhh...we are both cursed with the Asian mother syndrome...we are SOOOOO lucky right? I always tell people to check out Margaret Cho...in the early years...where she describes her mother's parenting style! Totally has my mother pegged! ;)

      Thanks for the invite to the Blog Hop! ;)

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  23. Odd how that brings a certain peace into one's life at such a tumultuous time of change...my granny always said: "Life begins at forty"...cheers!

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