I Am Fantasizing About Ding Dong’s…and I Am Not Talking About Boy Bits Either…

So here’s the deal fellow bloggers…there are some things that you should NEVER do…and doing anything when you are HUNGRY is one of them.  Let me tell you how all of this craziness started…so about two years ago a friend of mine talked me into training for the Susan G. Komen half marathon…I have no idea what I was ON when she asked me because I said yes and I wasn’t even under duress!  Someone must have slipped me some type of hallucinogenic shroom in my salad that day because I would have NEVER agreed to running 13 miles…in one day…and not think that I would SURVIVE unless I was highly medicated or smoking some cheap  low grade CRACK (Prince Valium doesn’t count here people…he is just my longtime boyfriend and we have an arrangement!  HAHAHAHAHA!) Any hoo…we started training and I have been running ever since…now don’t start thinking that I can actually run…what I do really does not equate to running…it is more like that walk that you get when you have to pee really bad at the mall and the bathroom is like down two very long escalator trips and then you have to cross perfume land and pray that you don’t sneeze and pee your pants before you get to the bathroom that is in some hidden corner destination that some architect decided was the IDEAL place to put a bathroom!  WHAT AN  IDIOT!  Take that visual and then imagine me running at that pace for like 13 miles…again…I wouldn’t call that awkward vision running right?  Any hoo…let’s fast forward to today…even though the run has come and gone…ah yeah you all are probably wondering if I ran the dang thing right?  Well…ummm…you see my friend went out on business travel and when she did…well…OK…SO I TOTALLY DIDN’T DO IT OK!  Did I tell you all that I kind of can’t do anything alone?  Yeah…I am THAT girl who has to drag her friends to the bathroom at Applebee’s because I am afraid of peeing alone…don’t judge…I was traumatized by my Korean mother who was always UP MY CRACK  so when I am alone I don’t know what to do with myself…thinking that I should keep my mother on speed dial for these awkward social moments…oh wait…she CAN’T HEAR an F’ing thing so there goes her spot as my random ”I can’t pee alone sponsor”  she is going to be so upset when I tell her this fact…that is if she can UNDERSTAND what the F* I am saying!  That woman is so frustrating…sheesh!  Any hoo….so back to the topic at hand here… even though the run has come and gone...my treadmill and I still make a date to watch Brad Pitt or Vin Diesel while we run together and drool over six pack abs and tight booty’s!  I am kind of used to this routine and I do it 5 times a week like clockwork…it’s really not that impressive people…I just really like to watch six pack abs and tight booty’s in the confines of my workout room where my husband and daughter know to NEVER enter because I am usually in so much torturous pain from running that it kind of sounds like I am being mauled by a bunch of fat craving zombies!  Yeah…good times!   Any hoo…so this morning I was on my trusty treadmill and I was watching the Lord of the Ring’s…I know…that movie is like a Nerdfest…but Viggo Mortensen makes a hot Ranger in that second movie and for whatever reason watching him run around fighting nasty Orcs makes my run go smoother.  I’m an engineer remember…nerd is my middle name!  HA!  So I am watching that scene where the Ent’s are going to war and I am like HUNGRY…so hungry that I am having a hard time concentrating…but then I hear Tree Beard tell Merry that “…the Ent’s are going to war…” and it was like my hungry mind snapped!  All of a sudden I pictured him as an Entenmann’s raspberry Danish and that the hobbits were little yellow marshmallow Peep’s that were casually lounging on his Danish shoulders as they threw fat frosted donut holes at the nasty black licorice Orc’s!  WHAT.THE.F*!  As the scene moves forward and you see Sauron’s tower I envisioned it to be a Twinkie Tower with a chocolate milk waterfall careening towards it so that the Entenmann trees could casually take a soak and get ready to be eaten by my hungry ass!  Holy Crap!  I HAVE LOST MY FREAKIN’ MIND!  I actually had to stop my run I was laughing so hard at my carb loaded fantasy…it was at that point that I realized…I should NEVER run while I am hungry!  That shit is dangerous not only to me but to my TV that almost had me physically licking it like it was Hugh Jackman wearing  a Raspberry Danish shirt! Someone needs to tell Lady GaGa that she seriously needs to take her meat dress up a notch if she is going to compete against me! HAHAHAHAHA!  OMG…I clearly need therapy!  WTF is wrong with me?  Well…this is just one of many things…but seriously this has to take the cake…no pun intended!  HAHAHAHAHAAA!  Anyway….people out in the blogosphere the moral of this bloated bloggary is that you should NEVER exercise while you are hungry unless you are ready to fantasize about Ding Dong’s and Twinkies…I’m talking about pastry here people not man parts! HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!  I seriously need therapy or a sandwich…sheesh…I’m starting to scare myself! HA!

What am I listening to as I pen this bloggary:  I Want Candy, by Bow Wow Wow