Well, my blogger friends, I am just going to put it out there… why yes…I did the dirty deed…I did a little bit of Facebook stalking and I’m not ashamed! So here’s what prompted my Facebook stalkerazzi…a couple of weeks ago I wandered upon Jen Kehl’s Mixed Tape Tuesday blog hop (which is fabulous by the way…you all should participate it is SO awesome! www.jenkehl.com) and the theme was to create a breakup mix tape full of songs that tells your ex or super crush that you basically want them back…like BAD (OK let’s not get all Glenn Close bunny in a pot BAD here…we just want them to notice that we exist! Sheesh!) Well….so I had to put some Journey on the list and that is where it kind of spiraled out of control. OK…I am just going to go there…if you were a girl in the 80’s, and you had a crush on say…the high school quarterback…you listen to A LOT of Journey. That was just the rule and rules should be followed people! So as I created my list, I started to think about the worst crush EVER and then that was where I found myself unashamedly doing a little Facebook stalking and I have to admit…it was very interesting…VERY SCARY but totally worth the stalking! So here’s what I learned…apparently there was a high school reunion that I totally missed! WHAT.THE.HELL? So when I find this out, I immediately call my parental units and start the Korean Inquisition on my mother who, was like…”who this?” Ah yeah…she still can’t hear…so I can totally tell you all that my evil plan on verbally torturing her were totally flushed down the shitter when she repeats over and over again “what you say?” at the top of her lungs in her crazy broken English! Yeah…good times! So when I finally yell so loud that the astronauts on the space station were tweeting me telling me to shut the F* up, my dad finally intervenes and takes the ear torture device away from the crazy Korean who can’t hear a F’ing thing! SO FRUSTRATING! Any hoo…I finally get around to asking my dad about the reunion and he was like “Oh, yeah…did we forget to send you that?” I would have totally lost my mind at this point, but because he takes so long to say anything, I had already fallen asleep and was dreaming about all of the hotties from that movie Magic Mike when he rudely interrupted my hot dream by DROPPING HIS PHONE on the floor! Yeah…I am deaf in one ear now…oddly enough this news makes my mother happy! HA! Just kidding! So any hoo…now that I know that my parents really do have Alzheimer’s because they seriously cannot remember my address to forward anything that lands in their mailbox with MY NAME on it as well as I have a bum ear now from calling their assess I figured that I had suffered enough verbal torturing to last a lifetime and hand the phone to my daughter who…well…she does what any four year old does…she hangs up on them! OOPS! Don’t judge…you have no idea how crazy my gene pool is…and I called them back and left them a voice mail message apologizing…yeah I totally knew that they still thought that they were talking to my daughter when the PHONE WAS DEAD but hey…I still apologized right? Isn’t that what counts? Miss Manners would be so proud of my behavior here…NOT! Sooooooo, anyway after I threw back a bottle of Tequila, I get on trusty Facebook and start looking at all of the reunion pics and I was like NO WAY! Holy crap! Some of them, I was like yeah…I recognize them, but then some I was like THAT is what’s his face? WHAT THE HELL happened to that guy? I was horrified to find that some of the HOTTEST guys in my high school were now yeah…not so much. Some of them, I would not recognize if they passed me on the street…it was horrifying! As I paged through picture after picture, I found myself scared to scroll to the next pic as I had no clue what my old ass eyes were going to find! I finally land on the money shot…I find THE dude that made me spend every single night of my high school life miserably singing my heart out to Journey as I ate my weight in Dorito’s! UGH that visual is BLEAK! But what I see makes me oddly…happy?! He is no longer the blond, blue eyed, tall muscled quarter back that I remembered him to be…he is now a pudgy old guy with a mini comb over going on! What.THE.F?! This is going to make me sound like a total Bitch, but I was actually doing a little chair dance at what I was seeing! I could not believe that this was the dude that made me sing to Journey and wander around with that love lost puppy look on my face 24X7 only to realize that he DID NOT KNOW THAT I EXISTED! WHAT.AN.AHOLE! If that dude came up to me now, I would pepper spray his ass and then run like I was being chased by the Crypt Keeper! YIKES! I kept looking at the pictures thinking that maybe they had him confused with someone else but as I kept going through those high school re-union “mug shots” I realized that he was with his old crew and they were nasty too! WOO HOO! I am actually dancing around now, fists pumping in the air, with a big ass grin on my face like I just won a UFC fight against Pacquiao ( I clearly know way TOO much about sports…I need to cut the cable that is ONLY associated with sports channels! Sheesh!) I know now without a doubt that it’s him…and he is full on GROSS now! I found myself oddly relieved, that I had dodged that bullet, and loving the fact that not only is he ghastly but the multitude of girls that he dated were hideous too! I wanted to comment and tell those ladies that Botox is really cheap now and that p90x can be borrowed from the library…for FREE…so they have NO EXCUSE to look so nasty! Sheesh! I guess the moral of this verbally bloated bloggary is that everything happens for a reason…if any of you out in the blogosphere need to explain to your teenager why crush’s hurt so much let them know that there is sunlight at the end of the depressing black crush tunnel! Tell them that he or she might be hot now, but later on in life not so much…they will be thanking that d’bag later on in life, once they see the size of the disgusting bullet that they have dodged! The pictures on Facebook do NOT lie people…you should stalk and show them some examples…it is really very educational but prepare yourself...so F'in SCARY! YIKES! I can safely say that I am thanking the “Teenage Crush God’s for allowing that beast to ignore my ass...that dude is downright scary now! YIKES!
What am I listening to as I pen this bloggary: Teenage Dream, by Katy Perry.