OK people out in the blogosphere…today’s rant is about feeling the need to explain the rules behind the latest fashion trend of Shorty Shorts…in that I really do not need to know that MUCH information about your Hoo Hoo A.K.A. your Va Jay Jay!! Holy Crap! Someone needs to explain this to people and oddly enough that person is obviously going to be me because if I see one more shorty short violation, I am going to admit myself into the “I Love Me Jacket Hotel” and request that I be roomies with LiLo! GAH! Hmmm….maybe this is not such a good idea…rooming with LiLo might make me into an even crazier whack job than I already am…BUT just think of all of the pharmaceutical drug advice that she could give me? I could write a book on that shit and make millions! OK…I have decided that’s plan B here on my “What Am I Going to Do When I Grow Up” list…thinking that this idea might be another KEEPER! HA! OK…digression over…getting us back on track here…so over Mother’s Day weekend we took our daughter to San Diego to go to LegoLand and then to Sea World for a much needed break from reality. Sounds like a good plan right? Weelllllll….once we got there….not so much! Once my old eyes adjusted to the horrifying scene that they were forced to witness, as in I seriously doubt that any of these people looked in the mirror before they traipsed on down, to a family oriented theme park, obviously dressed like a very poorly paid street walker! Holy Shit! Felt the need to ask these people (I am lumping the men in this poorly paid prostitute category as well here…this shit was THAT scary!) what they were thinking when they sauntered into a theme park with shorts so short that even the pole dancers were asking them where they got them from because they were, in their honest professional opinion, total game changers! Seriously?! Who does this? I also felt the need to contact the People of Walmart website and tell them that they are missing out on a business opportunity for expansion here as these theme parks had some serious butt crack and muffin winners! Hmmmm….this could be tricky because I don’t know what their policy is in regards to random pics of nasty Hoo Hoo’s vs. their butt crack norm…thinking that for some of these folks there isn’t a black out bar BIG enough to cover that much business going on down south of THAT border! Again…who does this? And don’t get me started on how much of their ass was hanging out when they turned around! YIKES! OK people…when you wear shorts so short that I can see the Beavis tattoo that is comfortably hanging out in your ass cleavage, clearly that is a sign to COVER that crap up! Sheesh! Did I mention that this “phenomenon” was not age discriminate? OH NO…again life could not give me a break here! Why yes…it appears that older folks felt the need to stay current with the fashion trend here and don these shorty shorts from butt crack hell! Thinking that these people still remember that Nair commercial when they were in their teens and still BELIEVE that if they douse themselves in that foul smelling crap that why yes…they too can sport a pair of shorty shorts and kick their way to hairless toned happiness! Ummm…thinking that I need to burst their delusional bubble here and tell them TO LAY OFF THE CRACK PIPE! There is not enough NAIR on this planet to help that situation out and don’t get me started on how much freakin’ cellulite cream would be needed to cover so much square footage! YIKES! Oh…and I can’t forget to give you all this last great visual of said person in these exhibition shorts, that has been sitting through a Shamu show, that is now sporting WET shorty shorts that resemble a nasty, soggy thong, and when they peel themselves off of the bench, that they have been sitting on for the last half an hour, they proceed to go butt diving to try to dig the yards of fabric out of their ASS! GAH! SOOOOOOO WRONG! I can safely tell all of you out in the blogosphere that I have been traumatized by this whole shorty short fashion phenom and it clearly needs to have some guidelines associated with the trend…as in…if you do not look like Rachel Bilson, YOU SHOULD NOT WEAR them! End of story people! Sheesh…again W.T.F? If any of you out in the blogosphere have ever been shorty, shorted, please comment and let me know…I am surfing on Craigslist for a therapist that makes house calls because my old ass eyes have given me the finger and are out on vacation, which makes driving to the loony bin clearly a challenge! Sheesh…so wrong on so many levels…sigh…*sounds of throwing back Tequila shots inserted here*
What am I listening to as I rant in this bloggary: Baby Got Back, by SIR-MIX-A-LOT.