OK people out in the blogosphere…today’s rant is about
feeling the need to explain the rules behind the latest fashion trend of Shorty Shorts…in that I really do not need to
know that MUCH information about your Hoo Hoo A.K.A. your Va Jay Jay!! Holy Crap!
Someone needs to explain this to people and oddly enough that person is
obviously going to be me because if I see one more shorty short violation, I am
going to admit myself into the “I Love Me Jacket Hotel” and request that
I be roomies with LiLo! GAH! Hmmm….maybe this is not such a good
idea…rooming with LiLo might make me into an even crazier whack job than I
already am…BUT just think of all of the pharmaceutical drug advice that she
could give me? I could write a book on
that shit and make millions! OK…I have
decided that’s plan B here on my “What Am I Going to Do When I Grow Up”
list…thinking that this idea might be another KEEPER! HA! OK…digression over…getting us back on track
here…so over Mother’s Day weekend we took our daughter to San Diego to go to
LegoLand and then to Sea World for a much needed break from reality. Sounds
like a good plan right? Weelllllll….once
we got there….not so much! Once my old
eyes adjusted to the horrifying scene that they were forced to witness, as in I
seriously doubt that any of these people looked in the mirror before they
traipsed on down, to a family oriented theme park, obviously dressed like a
very poorly paid street walker! Holy
Shit! Felt the need to ask these people
(I am lumping the men in this poorly paid prostitute category as well here…this
shit was THAT scary!) what they were thinking when they sauntered into a theme
park with shorts so short that even the pole dancers were asking them where
they got them from because they were, in their honest professional opinion,
total game changers! Seriously?! Who
does this? I also felt the need to
contact the People of Walmart website and tell them that they are missing out
on a business opportunity for expansion here as these theme parks had some
serious butt crack and muffin winners! Hmmmm….this
could be tricky because I don’t know what their policy is in regards to random
pics of nasty Hoo Hoo’s vs. their butt crack norm…thinking that for some of
these folks there isn’t a black out bar BIG enough to cover that much business
going on down south of THAT border!
Again…who does this? And don’t
get me started on how much of their ass was hanging out when they turned
around! YIKES! OK people…when you wear
shorts so short that I can see the Beavis tattoo that is comfortably hanging
out in your ass cleavage, clearly that is a sign to COVER that crap up! Sheesh! Did I mention that this “phenomenon” was not
age discriminate? OH NO…again life could
not give me a break here! Why yes…it
appears that older folks felt the need to stay current with the fashion trend
here and don these shorty shorts from butt crack hell! Thinking that these people still remember
that Nair commercial when they were in their teens and still BELIEVE that if
they douse themselves in that foul smelling crap that why yes…they too can
sport a pair of shorty shorts and kick their way to hairless toned happiness! Ummm…thinking that I need to burst their
delusional bubble here and tell them TO LAY OFF THE CRACK PIPE! There is not enough NAIR on this planet to
help that situation out and don’t get me started on how much freakin’ cellulite
cream would be needed to cover so much square footage! YIKES!
Oh…and I can’t forget to give you all this last great visual of said person
in these exhibition shorts, that has been sitting through a Shamu show, that is
now sporting WET shorty shorts that resemble a nasty, soggy thong, and when
they peel themselves off of the bench, that they have been sitting on for the
last half an hour, they proceed to go butt diving to try to dig the yards of
fabric out of their ASS! GAH! SOOOOOOO WRONG! I can safely tell all of you out in the
blogosphere that I have been traumatized by this whole shorty short fashion
phenom and it clearly needs to have some guidelines associated with the
trend…as in…if you do not look like Rachel Bilson, YOU SHOULD NOT WEAR
them! End of story people! Sheesh…again W.T.F? If any
of you out in the blogosphere have ever been shorty, shorted, please comment
and let me know…I am surfing on Craigslist for a therapist that makes house
calls because my old ass eyes have given me the finger and are out on vacation,
which makes driving to the loony bin clearly a challenge! Sheesh…so wrong on so many levels…sigh…*sounds
of throwing back Tequila shots inserted here*
What am I listening to as I rant in this bloggary: Baby Got Back, by SIR-MIX-A-LOT.
um yeah. Not pretty. I am not thrilled when the teens are wearing them, but a) they generally have tiny bodies and b) they are young and making fashion mistakes is part of growing up (exhibit a- me in the 80s)...however, I am totally thrown (and disgusted) by the 40 and over crowd who seem to be wearing them all over my town and with heels no less...or worse, boots. Lovely look...Makes my me in my Madonna phase look like Anna Wintour. At least I was covered in lace and wearing pearls!
ReplyDeleteOMG Kim...that crap was just WRONG! I hear ya about people needing to catch a clue about wearing age appropriate clothing...shorty shorts with boots just screams Street Walker...yeah without the whole Julia Roberts Pretty Woman thing going on! Sheesh! What the hell?
ReplyDeleteLOL...that made me laugh. I am not into the look but I remember being younger and sporting super short skirts and all that partying it up in Vegas just living the life. Granted I was like 100lbs pre motherhood. Now of course I am not walking around in things of that nature but I feel like people will come into their own eventually and leave those fashion mishaps behind. Just stopping by fromt he +1 Blog Hop.
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ReplyDeleteSounds like the fashion police could have issued quite a few tickets at that park.
ReplyDeleteI found this thru the +1 hop.