Hello fellow bloggers…today’s rant is about calling my mother to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day only to hear in return that I sound tired, which means in “mom speak” you have been eating your feelings…you sound FAT!? Seriously?! What does that mean really? Well…let me explain it to all of you in the blogosphere…you all are SOOOO lucky to be getting this rant today….let me tell you! HA! OK…so I am just going to get to the root cause of my mother’s perceived “assholery”…she literally has NO filter when she speaks! She will give you the truth…the hard way…right between the eyes, and not even bat an eyelash when you look at her like you want to STAB HER IN THE FACE! Sheesh! So when…let’s just say…you are in your teens…in the 80’s…and you come out of the dressing room dressed like some sadistic version of Madonna that is bathed in black spandex lace, and you ask her the “dreaded” question of “…does this outfit make me look fat?”…not only is she going to tell you “why yes…you make Dumbo look like a Weight Watcher’s poster child” but she will proceed to pinch, poke, and prod every roll on your spandexed body in the process, just to drive that “you are fat” stake all the way HOME! GAH! So annoying! And you all in the blogosphere were wondering what my obsession is with spandex…well now you know! Took me years of therapy just to say spandex…so to say that I am ranting about it is like a therapy miracle…feel the need to call Dr. Quackadoodle and let him know the great progress that I am making! Maybe he has a Twitter icon on his website that I can click to follow him and then NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO! BTW…Twitter update…still a Twee-tard! That crap is STILL confusing…thinking that BLARTING is my only course of action here...I suck so bad at that bird crap app that when I even attempt to login to their site I get a pop-up checkbox asking me if I KNOW what I am doing?! HAHAHA! Soooooo digressing here because my mother scares the crap out of me but I guess I had better get back on track here…so any hoo my mother knows that when I was younger, I was a pretty stressed out kid, you know stereotypical Korean book nerd kid that HAD to take all of those AP classes, and when mid-terms or finals came around I would like stay up all night drinking Jolt Cola and eating an ass load of Dorito’s…if you were to see my ass back then, you would understand the magnitude of the term “assload”! Sheesh…so depressing! I had…what my mother “lovingly” told me one day…a truck butt…you know…a butt so flat and wide that it resembles the front end of those old school semi-trucks?! Yeah…my mother has such a way with words…she really should have been a poet…NOT! Thinking that Haiku dude, Masaoka Shiki, has some fierce competition here…her Haiku would resemble something like this:
The Truth Clearly Hurts
You Should Not Have Worn Those Pants
You Have A Fat Ass!
Thinking that I should submit that Haiku to Hallmark for the greeting in some poor fools Inspiration card…hmmm….on second thought that card might be a law suit just waiting to happen! Sheesh! I wasn’t lying people in the blogosphere…that woman has mastered the English language to a fault and knows every mean adjective and verb that the lovely Webster dictionary clearly taught her HOW TO USE AGAINST ME and the planet at large! Holy Crap! So wrong! Oh and don’t make the mistake of thinking that her “no filter verbal vomit” is focused solely on family members…OH NO…you all in the blogosphere are not protected here…not protected at all! Being the typical Korean mother, she is all polite smiles, head nods of approval, all the while shoving some nasty sweet bean rice cake thingy down your throat, and then when you least expect it she strikes like a King Cobra! Like say...when she politely tells the person, that is sitting in her living room eating those nasty Korean version of tea cakes, that her new perm makes her look like some scary poodle she saw running down the middle of the street, that was clearly running from its big scary ass permed shadow! So mean! Now…to be fair…she “verbally Punks” this person in her adorable broken English so the victim only assumes that she is NOT using the right combination of adjectives and verbs here…so they both have a chuckle over the “cute” incident and drink tea to more “Good Times!” OMG! Really? How clueless are these people? My mother should have one of those caption bubbles over her head, in these incidents, to let us know what’s really going on in that evil no filter head of hers… I am thinking that it would say something like this: “I totally have a grasp of the English language you a-hole…I just think that your hair makes you look a sadistic version of a Garbage Pail Kid!” Again…SO MEAN! So when she tells me that I “sound tired” I am on full alert, like I am one of those red shirted fools on Star Trek that’s getting ready to bite the big one! I can’t lie…I have all of these clever come backs in my head that I could have said to her but of course what did I do? Yeah…I said none of them…I…like the chicken shit that I am…when it comes to my mother…changed the subject and just wished her a Happy Mother’s Day instead of telling her to F* OFF!! WAH! Smart BUT SOOOOO LAME! Sheesh…that woman scares the crap out of me! YIKES! So if anybody out in the blogosphere has a “no filter” family member please comment and share…I am fearing the call that I have to make for her birthday…I have NO idea how I am going to survive that one without being totally DRUNK OUT OF MY MIND! Holy Crap! She’s SO SCARY!!