Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Back Muffins and Knee Fat…Things That Make You Go Hmmm….?!

Hello bloggers  out in the blogosphere!  Today’s blog is about finding things on your body that used to be tight and toned but ( to your shock and horror) are now fat and  downright ghastly!  As I was getting ready this morning, I was putting on my foundation (yes…I was using the damned 20X vanity mirror from hell!) and I noticed that I had the beginnings of a neck waddle going on!  To say that I almost pulled an Ike Turner on that mirror’s ass is an understatement!  I went a little “I love me jacket” and had to look at it from every angle and from like every mirror in my house like a deranged neck waddle stalker.  Let me tell you that once I found that little dangle of skin starting to sag from my neck, I started to “check” out other things that could possibly start to wiggle and sag.  OMG!  I don’t quite know how to break this to all of you out in blogger land but what I am about to tell you is pretty freakin’ scary…so just mentally prepare yourself…for the two little words that I am going to type…KNEE FAT?!  WTF?  Seriously?  How does one get knee fat?  The tops of my knees look like these fat little buttery croissants that have come to cop a squat on my once toned knees!  Again…WTF?  How does that happen?  I also have the early warning signs of some serious need for an old school thigh master or a “date” with one of those crazy drill sergeant work out dudes because my thighs are in saggy ass SOS mode!  The discovery of under arm waddle (one would think) would have been the nail in my wrinkly ass coffin, but what sent me over the edge was the lovely discovery of back muffins!  I repeat…BACK MUFFINS!  OK…so how in the HELL does one get back muffins?  There is no diet or exercise routine that is going to minimize those babies and if there were, how does one go about asking the hot very expensive personal trainer that you have now hired (I clearly need therapy) to focus on working off your offensive back muffins that now resemble sausage links because of my stupid spandex top?!  Did I tell you all that I hate spandex?  Why yes…spandex and I have been at odds since the 80’s when I WAS YOUNG…so to say that we are “UFC cage matching” now that I am an old ass nightmare is just a given!  Spandex should be outlawed or maybe you should have to have a license to wear it (only if you are HOT and in shape…clearly we are not going to digress into speedo banana hammocks territory here …that is another blog entirely!  HA!).   The rules for spandex should be placed for all to see before you buy it:  If you look like a Victoria’s Secrets or Abercrombie model, please buy and for all others sweatpants and a T-shirt is just the thing for you!  Sheesh!  It seems like common sense to me and after looking at all of my wiggles and waddles I clearly need a Mumu…or perhaps a visit to the plastic surgeon for some Lipo would do the trick?!  I hate pain but after seeing the “state of the union” A.K.A. my old ass body I am thinking that the pain is OK…it has to be better than looking at my knee fat and back muffins for the rest of my life!  Sheesh!  That is a vision I would not wish on anyone…not even my enemies…well if those enemies would have an “accident” and leave me some cash (to take care of these old ass offenders) then they can “vision” away!  J
What I am listening to as I blog this pathetic bloggary:  E.T., by Katy Perry


  1. I don't have the neck waddle yet but I noticed just this week new wrinkles and,well,a bit of sagging. I'm just 50 and not liking it!

    1. Hi Sandra! If you are just now finding out about sagging and wrinkles then I have to say that you are in way better shape than I am ! :) I could have told you more about some swiss cheese that I found (not on my sandwich) and do not get me started on the saddle bags (yeah...and not on the horse that I DON"T own either! HA!!) Sheesh...this getting old thing is...well... getting old! :)