Saturday, January 3, 2015

New Year's Resolution...I Got Nothin'! What An Epic FAIL!

So fellow bloggers I bet that a lot of you are out there grasping a hold of this glorious New Year like you were grabbing onto the locks of that serious hot dude's hair in college during that one night stand that you publicly tell your friends never happened…but we all know that it SO did right?  Well…let me tell you…this New Year and me are not resolving MUCH AT ALL...I feel like the New Year’s baby diaper…in that I am kind of full from Christmas binging on pecan pie and basically as a result I am completely full of shit!  Sheesh…WTF is wrong with me right?  As I sit here and pen this over bloated bloggary I have come to the conclusion that I have NO idea why this New Year’s I have become a royal Debbie Downer!  I know this post is just getting more riveting by the over bloated letter right?  I have to tell ya that if you knew me,  you would know that I am usually the person who literally goes out and grabs the problem by the horn and "womanhandles" that mother to the ground!  People have been seriously injured trying to get out of my way when something shiny catches my eye…ask that Dude at Costco that got between me and the last organic rice crispy treat sample…it was UGLY people…that dude now has to permanently whisper due to the injuries that his nether regions suffered from the interaction that my knee inflected on his sorry ass!  Who the hell gets between a mother of a 5 year old and the last rice crispy treat right?  That dude understands that lesson very well…he is probably at speech therapy right now cursing his stupidity right?  Sheesh!  So…again…let me get back on track here...because I am older than the Crypt Keeper, I found myself reflecting on some of the New Year’s Resolutions that I have made over the years and they are the usual:  lose weight, finish my Master’s degree, be a better professional (not in a weird paid escort way either…even though that might pay better…hmmmm….ok that is another post all together right? We’ll revisit that topic on another day! HAHAHA), eat better, be nicer to people (ok that one was a REALLY desperate resolution…I am just too much of a smartass to be that NICE…HELLO let’s just read some of these posts on this blog right...that one…yeah EPIC FAIL!  Any hoo, some of those resolutions I did manage to accomplish but some of them not so much…so I realized that my resolution for this year is just to try to be Happy and to finally succumb to what my husband desperately refers to  as the “uncorking of that  social etiquette stick” that is permanently stuck up my ass!  Ask my husband…he will tell you that I have a serious corncob stuck in that dark depressing cave that is lodged so deep that  it  probably needs a search and rescue team combined with the world’s top notch “stick removal surgeons” to dislodge it from the dark regions of ass hell!  I blame that anal lodged tree stump on my mother and her dang Korean teachings that women should be invisible and to never do anything remotely embarrassing…hmmmm….come to think of it…my mother should take her own advice when she looks in the mirror and finds the reflection of a Korean Peg Bundy in leopard tights staring back at her! Ah Yeah…that is not EMBARASSING nor is she INVISIB LE at all in that outfit!  Sheesh!  So bloggers my New Year’s resolution is to try to be more DARING and to not think about the repercussions of things that I might want to do in a social setting.  Now fellow bloggers, I am not thinking about robbing a bank or pulling a COYOTE UGLY dance-a-thon at the local dive bar…even though that might be seriously entertaining because I do have the “moves like Jagger”…well more like “moves induced by Jagermeister”…yes I am just that SMOOTH (sounds of Jager induced coughing inserted here)!  NOT!  But what I do vow is to try to have as much fun as I possibly can without catching the eye of the local Po Po or even worse being caught on tape by some weird reality show videographer filming “When Midlife Crisis Escapades Go Bad!”…I have heard that never works out FOR ANYONE…the audience included here people... let's just say the visuals might be alarming!  Not to mention where those visual black bar's might be inserted in the video so as to hide old lady bits... yeah just so you know if that happens and your screen goes black, it is not because DIRECTV is out it is because those LADY PARTS are just that big and NASTY!  Yeah total BLACK OUT people! So horrifically SAD!  So if you read about some random old lady wreaking havoc on TMZ ...I will deny that I was even in the vicinity!  J  OK fellow bloggers…who is with me on this resolution?  I think that if you are you will SO thank me later…OK I am finished rambling…let’s get this EPIC thrill seeking year started!   

What am I listening to as I pen this verbal atrocity?

Sorry For Party Rockin’, by LMFAO






  1. Stopping by from Sunday's Best and lmao. Not sure which parts had me laughing more, the Rice Crispy treats or the corncob. I'm with you, I stopped making resolutions years ago. I'm just striving to he happy and healthy. Anything else is a blessing. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for the laugh.

  2. I'm glad that I could make you laugh...I seriously am going to try to have FUN this year and not think about what other people think! If you see some old chick with Leopard pants totally wasted on Las Vegas 911...that is totally not me! :)

  3. Let me know if you find a good surgeon to remove that stick. I could use one too....

    1. I don't know if there is a surgeon out there with surgical tools THAT BIG for this is kinda HUGE! :) I will definitely let you know if I find one!

  4. Ha! Great read, had me doing actual lols!
    Thanks for linking up with #WeekendBlogHop!

  5. Glad that I could make you life is quite the comedy of errors hence this blog page as my verbal bloated outlet! Thank you for inviting me to your blog hop! I will pop on over again to play again this weekend! :)