Sunday, July 21, 2013

Do You Need That Much Crack to Exercise? Seriously?

OK people out in the blogosphere this week’s post is about…Crack…and not the low grade street corner kind either!  I am talking about the ol’ butt crack here people so stay with me and I will tell you all about what prompted me to craft this thought provoking post about something that we would all like to forget about seeing...when we're not even at the gym!  Sheesh…so disturbing….so here’s what happened… the other day I was yet again on my way to take my daughter to school (yeah…I know that kid is totally going to be traumatized once she finds out that she has been in school FOREVER…she’s going to be pissed when she finds out…I should probably start building my end of the world shelter now as a pre-emptive strike right?) and as I am cruising down the hill I see these cyclists on my right. When I see them I start to get a little bit pissed off because everyone knows that this stretch of  the road is really narrow and unless you have a death wish you should NEVER ride your bike on it…like EVER…but of course all of the exercise freaks always have to get their adrenaline junkie on and tempt “Frogger” fate by cycling down this stretch of the mountain.  A.Holes!  Any hoo…as I near them I see that the guy in the back looks like he is wearing some form of weird striped top but as I get even closer I realize that it is not a stripe at all…it is actually his blinding white fat creeping out from the bottom of his spandex TIGHT bike top and as my eyes start making their way down it is then that I see the money shot!  Why yes…as my old eyes wander down the fat bulges I see a huge BUTT Crack waving at me from the top of his bike shorts that are dangerously making their way down his large WHITE ASS!  OMG!  Seriously?  Does the dude not feel a little bit of a draft making its way across his ass cheeks?  With all of that crack showing the wind must have felt like a hurricane thundering down that monstrous crack…thinking that we could name it Hurricane Wideload and for disaster relief we could donate that dude some stucco to plug that shit up!  WTF right?  Had to fight the urge to roll down my window and do a drive by duct taping of his shirt to his shorts so that nobody else would be traumatized on their way to work by witnessing such a large crack on a very white moon!  OMG!  This is just another nail in the ol’ spandex coffin in that yet again I feel the need to rant about people and their love for spandex…so here goes…if you are hot and in some serious shape by all means spandex your hot ass away!  However, if are NOT in shape someone should be a friend and let you know that spandex is really not for you…Spanx perhaps but spandex….N to the F’in O!  Yikes…oh and to add insult to injury the dude was NOT fit people…he was large and it looked like his ass cheeks were one chomp away from eating his bike seat up whole!  OMG!  I seriously felt that Ensure that I had for breakfast threaten to make a re-appearance that scene was so gross!  That liquid crap is just nasty on the first pass down so threatening a round two at the back of my throat was so not happening people!  YIKES! So yet again, all of you out in the blogosphere are probably wondering what is the purpose of this over bloated blathering about ass cheeks right?  Well…apparently I felt the need to give all of you all a little bit of advice on how to wear the proper bike attire in that if you think that your shirt might ride up and your shorts make their way down to no man’s land maybe you should think about wearing a unitard…at least then all you have to worry about is the shape and size of your junk-n-stuff and not about your ass crack waving to us like it was the Queen of England!  Yikes…I seriously need a chat with Prince Valium here and let him know that if he continues to be a bad boyfriend I might have to leave his ass for the Viscount of Tequila…now THAT dude hasn’t failed me EVER!  Sigh…this is just so very wrong on so many levels!


What am I listening to as I pen this bloggary:  Baby Got Back, by Sir-Mix-A lot.


  1. A drive-by duct taping, lol, that was awesome. Someone needs to tell him to stop putting his bike shorts in the dryer.

  2. Get a haramaki - cover up that crack!