What Not To Wear

OK...so I have been invited to various Christmas parties this year, and with those parties come the big question that I know every girl asks herself...what the hell should I wear?  What I really hate is invitations that read "Casual Attire"...I always have to wonder what exactly does that mean?  I have made the mistake of wearing jeans to an event that advertised "Casual Attire" only to find myself to be the only under dressed fool there...I hate that feeling.  This year, I had decided that I would be a grown up, and actually try to maybe find some middle ground attire for these said "Casual" events, and I found myself in multiple Ladies departments (just the fact that I shop in the Ladies department is depressing enough) at various department stores looking for appropriate grown up attire.  What did I find?  I found a bunch of retro 80's sweater dresses and leggings that just had my name written all over them.  Remembering how I used to fondly don myself in such attire was making me all sorts of giggly and happy about actually finding something that was in style, and would solve my casual attire needs.  With a smile on my face, I grabbed a bunch of leggings and sweater dresses and proceeded to head on in to the changing rooms.  I have to admit that I was pretty pleased with my decision to go retro for these parties, and with that in mind, I started to pull on those dark black leggings that I used to love...the key word here is "used" to love.  As I stood there trying to pull the skinniest leggings up over my middle aged thighs, I started to remember why I hated the 80's.  It appeared that I had pulled even my ankle fat (if that is possible for ankles to have fat) all the way up to my ass and when I yanked that sweater dress up on over the top of my now more hideous and obvious muffin top, I was scared to look in the mirror because I knew that even wearing all black was not going to hide what was going on inside this confining tube that was lovingly called a sweater dress.  Finding the courage to look at myself in the mirror, I gasped and then had to laugh...I looked like the Madonna version of the Michelin man.  Let's just all take a second to visualize that look...right...so after reality had hit me square in the face, I started to really digest what I was seeing.  Turning around to look at my butt, I noticed some weird pattern on my leggings, and as I repeatedly tried to smooth them out with my hands, I realized that the patterns were not going away...yeah...I was trying to smooth out the backs of my thighs that were being squished by the skin tight leggings.  Laughing at my hideous discovery, I took a step back to "take in" the whole look and realized that this look probably was not even a good one in the 80’s let alone try to pull it off 25 years later. I was back at square one as far as finding my “appropriate” casual party attire.  I had NO idea what I was thinking with the sweater dress....it seemed like a good plan at the time and I can safely tell you all that the TLC channel does not need to pull me aside to let me know What Not to Wear....I think that I found that statement out the hard way!