Dieting Sucks...There is a D I E In The Word For A Reason!

 

OK fellow bloggers, today’s post is going to be about a topic that has been written about probably a GaZillion times, but I wanted to give you all my take on….wait for it….wait for it…why yes, today’s topic is about the fabulous topic of diet and exercise.  Again, I promise that this will be a pretty crappy but mildly entertaining take on the topic so just stay with me here…I promise that this will be short but sweet (those are famous last lines of husband’s  and boyfriend’s everywhere right?).  So any hoo, since the New Year it appears that the whole PLANET is obsessed with losing weight and getting in shape; I on the other hand am just trying not to apply a whole vat of mayo on my thighs and then use  a crowbar to squeeze into my pants every day.  Yes, people, as dismal as that vision may appear, that is what my life after the Holiday’s consists of….DAMN YOU PECAN PIE!  I feel the need to send Marie Callender’s my Old Navy credit card bill for forcing me to buy bigger pants and sweatpants…yes fellow bloggers, when one is on a Pecan Pie binge the only attire to wear is sweatpants.  Yoga pants are not the right attire for a Pecan Pie binge… trust me on this I know from personal experience that yoga pants + Pecan Pie=uncomfortable spandex wedgies.  Yikes!  Anyway…let me get back on track here…in my search to find the right diet and exercise that will get me the legs of Jennifer Aniston, the abs and arms of Cameron Diaz, and the butt of Sofia Vergara, I have found that there are like an assload of things that you can try to get your body in tip top shape and sadly enough I think that I have tried probably 99.9% of them with very little success… but of course with every failure there is a lesson or two learned from that experience and you all are the lucky recipients of my craptastic dieting advice so here goes:

1.        GO SHOPPING!  Yes…I am telling you to go find yourself some fun workout clothes that make you feel good about those curves that you are sporting and of course what would an outfit be without accessories?  While you are out at the mall try to get yourself some really comfortable but slammin’ running shoes…I go through quite a lot of running shoes, so I tend to go with the Skechers Go Run sneakers because they are fairly inexpensive ~50-70 bucks at the outlet mall and they come in some really cute colors!  A girl can never have enough shoes and hello….running shoes are shoes so just Emelda Marcos yourself away!

2.       After you have exhausted yourself with shopping, try to figure out what exercise routine you would most likely keep based on the pace of your lifestyle and of course your finances.  I am constantly running around at work, so the only thing that I could find that worked for me was to buy a used treadmill (I bought a Sole F85 for like 800.00) and put it in my bedroom.  I had to strategically place it so that it didn’t become another clothes hanger, toy box for my daughter, or a hat rack for my husband!  I finally decided to place it on my side of the bedroom so that it was a constant reminder of what I had bought it for…why yes…to WORK OUT!  I only have like 35-40 minutes a day to get this done, and I only workout five days a week (Sat-Wed) so what I do is alternate the days with treadmill and then yoga or Pilates on Amazon Prime.  I have found that there are some free streaming yoga/Pilates routines that are really good and often enough I can get my daughter to do the yoga with me and it becomes a mommy and daughter event…my daughter LOVES it! I also get a really good playlist on iTunes going and base the songs on what I am going to do…so say if I am going to run I created a running list full of AC/DC, Scorpions, techno, and house music.  Yea….I said Scorpions…don’t judge people!  I also put in a really good action movie and watch it as I exercise….I tend to like to run to action movies that have a lot of hot dudes in it too…trust me the eye candy distracts you from the pain that you are experiencing from the run…Brad Pitt in Troy is a good distractor…just sayin'…

3.       Diet-I don’t care what anyone says…just eating lettuce, fruit, and water all day is not only boring but kind of tastes like crap depending on how insane you get with your diet.  I have found that if I chop up all the fruit and vegetables on Sunday, I am more likely to snack on those vs. chips, cookies, or candy during the week. I also buy hummus, fruit dips, dried nuts and fruits to snack on during the day to help me get through those times where I get the munchies!  Now…I cannot lie when it is PMS time, I head straight for the Almond M&M’s….that is my go to for when I have moments when I “fall off the wagon”.  Since I am so busy I snack throughout the day, and have a small normal dinner with my family after I have worked out.  Everyone is different, but that is what has worked for me…

4.       Water-I can’t lie…water just tastes like ass!  It really does…so I have found that if I buy Crystal Light packages and mix it in a Tupperware pitcher, I tend to drink more “water” than soda or juice or the dreaded….STARBUCKS!  Yes…whispering here...Starbucks is the diet devil people…well unless you get a skinny not fat latte.  J

5.       Don’t stop if you fall off the wagon-I know from personal experience that there are tons of excuses to not exercise and eat a crapload of Krispy Kremes!  I travel for work a lot and I find that social situations are the hardest to try to maintain a strict diet…don’t be too hard on yourself if you fall back into old habits.  You will get back to your routine when everything settles down....trust me even after my relocation and I did not work out for like 4 months I finally got back on my treadmill and at first we had some serious words…well me mostly cussing it out for being so mean to my saggy ass but then like any argument we became friends again and all is well! 

 

So fellow bloggers those are my hints and tips on how I try to maintain a healthy weight without killing myself or my ego!  I won’t lie…being healthy is a lifelong commitment filled with disappointments and setbacks, but like everything that is hard, the rewards are well worth the pain that it took you to get there!  So ladies…here’s your motivational speech when you feel like you need one:  if you have had a child and have lived through that excruciating pain, the pain of diet and exercise is like literally a walk in the park! J

Feel free to comment with what works for you…I have found that dieting is like a group event…you really can’t succeed without some type of support group…and I am not talking about Therapy either! Of course, knowing my mother, I clearly need it but then again that is an entirely different post all together! J

 

What am I listening to as I pen this atrocity:

Thunderstuck, by AC/DC

(I’m not talking about my thighs here either!  Hahahahaha!)