And The Boy Bits They Go...A Trumpets Parody!

OK fellow bloggers…how are those New Year’s Resolutions going?  I know that my resolution to be carefree and happy has been pretty uneventful BUT the week is not yet over party people!  I still have tonight to crawl my decrepit ass up onto the sticky bar at the local watering hole and “Shake That Ass” to show them what I am workin’ with right?  Knowing me I will probably pass out hugging my boyfriend El Patron while Cougar dreaming about the yummy Clint Eastwood Jr. cublet Scott Eastwood WAY before I even think about getting my dance on! Sheesh I AM SO OLD!

For those of you who do not know who I am Cougar Cubbin’ over well here is your visual eye candy for the day!  So delicious…makes me almost embarrassed to be Cougar Crushing over this cub BUT not enough to stop blabbing about him via this verbal monstrosity right?

 

OK…let’s get this bloggary back on track here…so the other day a Co-Worker of mine IM’d me and started to vent about his gym experience and I thought that since so many folks were trying to get fit as their New Year’s resolution I would share our riveting conversation with you all!  I know my kindness knows no bounds right?  After I tell you about what we talked about you might think that I need to look up the definition of kindness because obviously I DO NOT HAVE A CLUE!  So back to my story…my friend is a dude who works out all the time!  Like he is seriously a muscle maniac that goes to the gym sometimes twice a day and because of our company forced relocation he had to move back to the east coast and join another gym which is fine BUT apparently this gym comes with some different perceived “benefits” than  the  gym that he left behind in sunny Arizona.  So apparently this gym has a different perception of what the changing room actually means…in that after they change out of their gym clothes it turns into some type of old guy NUDIST COLONY!  YIKES!  He told me that there are like all forms of dudes just handing out with their bits n stuff wagging in the wind as if their tightie whiteys are on strike and have self combusted on their sorry asses as their way of telling them that they refuse to be adorned on their sorry saggy asses ANYMORE!  Oh bloggers I am not finished with this very scary butt naked tale of  woe he also told me that they kind of strut around with their junk-n-stuff all out in the open while they do things like brush their teeth, put deodorant on their nasty hairy armpits, and comb their hair, all the while doing this WITH AN AUDIENCE! Bloggers….I cannot lie…my mind starting imagining these really old dudes proudly doing things like lunges and stretches with their ancient pickles and olives wagging in the wind and I felt a little bit of my breakfast make a reappearance!  SO WRONG! Thinking that Ellen might want to take pity on these poor souls and supply this crew a bunch of her ELLEN underwear as part of her charity campaign because these dudes clearly NEED THEM! Sheesh!  So anyway as I was IM’ing him I started changing up the words to Jason DeRulo’s song Trumpets as a sad attempt to try to scrub  the “buck naked old ass scars” off of his brain and because again I AM JUST THAT KIND I thought that I would share them with you…so here you go!

 

Every time that you get undressed
I hear shouting in my head
I wrote this song, trying NOT to look at your naked ass oh yeah
Yet those boy bits hang low
And the changing room dudes they go
Please put some clothes on
My eyes can only take so much
Please put some clothes on
My eyes can only take so much
I’m blind
 

Is it weird that I hear
Cheering whenever your clothed
Whenever your clothed
Is it weird that your junk
Reminds me of an R. Kelly song
R.Kelly song

Everytime that you get undressed
I hear my mind shutting down again
My mind is shutting down again
I wrote this song trying not to look at your ass  uh huh
Yet those old wrinkly bits still hang low
And the changing room dudes they go
Please put some clothes on
My eyes can only take so much
Please put some clothes on
My eyes can only take so much
I’m blind

 Damn, is it weird that I hear
Butt burping when you bend low
When you bend low
Is it weird that your ass reminds me
Of a Weird Al Yankovic song
Weird Al Yankovic song

Is it weird that I hear
Clapping when you put your clothes on
Put your clothes on
Is it weird that your skivvies
Remind me of a dirty diaper song
Dirty Diaper song

 Everytime that you get undressed
I hear the sounds of blindfolds being flung on
I wrote this song trying not to look at you uh huh
Oh yeah
Every time you get undressed
I hear vomit noises in the gym (in the gym)
I wrote this song trying not to look at you, oh oh, not looking at you
Yeah that junk just hangs low
And that junk just sways slow
They sway, oh yeah
Close your eyes, close your eyes, close your eyes, oh oh 

So there you go bloggers…if you are one of these people that have suffered permanent eye damage from a similar experience, this parody is for you! 

Again…you all can thank me later for my KINDNESS! Remember sharing  is caring! 

What am I listening while I pen this verbal atrocity?

Trumpets, by Jason DeRulo