Dieting Sucks...There is a D I E In The Word For A Reason!

 

OK fellow bloggers, today’s post is going to be about a topic that has been written about probably a GaZillion times, but I wanted to give you all my take on….wait for it….wait for it…why yes, today’s topic is about the fabulous topic of diet and exercise.  Again, I promise that this will be a pretty crappy but mildly entertaining take on the topic so just stay with me here…I promise that this will be short but sweet (those are famous last lines of husband’s  and boyfriend’s everywhere right?).  So any hoo, since the New Year it appears that the whole PLANET is obsessed with losing weight and getting in shape; I on the other hand am just trying not to apply a whole vat of mayo on my thighs and then use  a crowbar to squeeze into my pants every day.  Yes, people, as dismal as that vision may appear, that is what my life after the Holiday’s consists of….DAMN YOU PECAN PIE!  I feel the need to send Marie Callender’s my Old Navy credit card bill for forcing me to buy bigger pants and sweatpants…yes fellow bloggers, when one is on a Pecan Pie binge the only attire to wear is sweatpants.  Yoga pants are not the right attire for a Pecan Pie binge… trust me on this I know from personal experience that yoga pants + Pecan Pie=uncomfortable spandex wedgies.  Yikes!  Anyway…let me get back on track here…in my search to find the right diet and exercise that will get me the legs of Jennifer Aniston, the abs and arms of Cameron Diaz, and the butt of Sofia Vergara, I have found that there are like an assload of things that you can try to get your body in tip top shape and sadly enough I think that I have tried probably 99.9% of them with very little success… but of course with every failure there is a lesson or two learned from that experience and you all are the lucky recipients of my craptastic dieting advice so here goes:

1.        GO SHOPPING!  Yes…I am telling you to go find yourself some fun workout clothes that make you feel good about those curves that you are sporting and of course what would an outfit be without accessories?  While you are out at the mall try to get yourself some really comfortable but slammin’ running shoes…I go through quite a lot of running shoes, so I tend to go with the Skechers Go Run sneakers because they are fairly inexpensive ~50-70 bucks at the outlet mall and they come in some really cute colors!  A girl can never have enough shoes and hello….running shoes are shoes so just Emelda Marcos yourself away!

2.       After you have exhausted yourself with shopping, try to figure out what exercise routine you would most likely keep based on the pace of your lifestyle and of course your finances.  I am constantly running around at work, so the only thing that I could find that worked for me was to buy a used treadmill (I bought a Sole F85 for like 800.00) and put it in my bedroom.  I had to strategically place it so that it didn’t become another clothes hanger, toy box for my daughter, or a hat rack for my husband!  I finally decided to place it on my side of the bedroom so that it was a constant reminder of what I had bought it for…why yes…to WORK OUT!  I only have like 35-40 minutes a day to get this done, and I only workout five days a week (Sat-Wed) so what I do is alternate the days with treadmill and then yoga or Pilates on Amazon Prime.  I have found that there are some free streaming yoga/Pilates routines that are really good and often enough I can get my daughter to do the yoga with me and it becomes a mommy and daughter event…my daughter LOVES it! I also get a really good playlist on iTunes going and base the songs on what I am going to do…so say if I am going to run I created a running list full of AC/DC, Scorpions, techno, and house music.  Yea….I said Scorpions…don’t judge people!  I also put in a really good action movie and watch it as I exercise….I tend to like to run to action movies that have a lot of hot dudes in it too…trust me the eye candy distracts you from the pain that you are experiencing from the run…Brad Pitt in Troy is a good distractor…just sayin'…

3.       Diet-I don’t care what anyone says…just eating lettuce, fruit, and water all day is not only boring but kind of tastes like crap depending on how insane you get with your diet.  I have found that if I chop up all the fruit and vegetables on Sunday, I am more likely to snack on those vs. chips, cookies, or candy during the week. I also buy hummus, fruit dips, dried nuts and fruits to snack on during the day to help me get through those times where I get the munchies!  Now…I cannot lie when it is PMS time, I head straight for the Almond M&M’s….that is my go to for when I have moments when I “fall off the wagon”.  Since I am so busy I snack throughout the day, and have a small normal dinner with my family after I have worked out.  Everyone is different, but that is what has worked for me…

4.       Water-I can’t lie…water just tastes like ass!  It really does…so I have found that if I buy Crystal Light packages and mix it in a Tupperware pitcher, I tend to drink more “water” than soda or juice or the dreaded….STARBUCKS!  Yes…whispering here...Starbucks is the diet devil people…well unless you get a skinny not fat latte.  J

5.       Don’t stop if you fall off the wagon-I know from personal experience that there are tons of excuses to not exercise and eat a crapload of Krispy Kremes!  I travel for work a lot and I find that social situations are the hardest to try to maintain a strict diet…don’t be too hard on yourself if you fall back into old habits.  You will get back to your routine when everything settles down....trust me even after my relocation and I did not work out for like 4 months I finally got back on my treadmill and at first we had some serious words…well me mostly cussing it out for being so mean to my saggy ass but then like any argument we became friends again and all is well! 

 

So fellow bloggers those are my hints and tips on how I try to maintain a healthy weight without killing myself or my ego!  I won’t lie…being healthy is a lifelong commitment filled with disappointments and setbacks, but like everything that is hard, the rewards are well worth the pain that it took you to get there!  So ladies…here’s your motivational speech when you feel like you need one:  if you have had a child and have lived through that excruciating pain, the pain of diet and exercise is like literally a walk in the park! J

Feel free to comment with what works for you…I have found that dieting is like a group event…you really can’t succeed without some type of support group…and I am not talking about Therapy either! Of course, knowing my mother, I clearly need it but then again that is an entirely different post all together! J

 

What am I listening to as I pen this atrocity:

Thunderstuck, by AC/DC

(I’m not talking about my thighs here either!  Hahahahaha!)

Twitter…Who Knew That I Had So Much to Say In 140 Letters or Less?

 OK fellow bloggers so I know that you all have been wondering where I have been this week right?  Well…not really but I really like to think that you all read my posts because I am just that entertaining and that you do the Risky Business dance in your kitchen when my blog post hits your Google+ feed.  OK my reality is not even close to yours right …well crap…I guess I had better up my game then.  So that is what I did…this week I have been on Twitter trying to annoy more people because again…sharing is caring and I CARE for you all A LOT!  So what better way to show I care than to share my feelings in 140 letters or less?  Why yes…I have been on Twitter…and it has been well…interesting to say the least.  Let me tell you that when I wrote the following post last year:  http://middleagemonologues.blogspot.com/2013/04/i-am-twitter-challengedi-feel-like-twee.html I was only planning on Twitter stalking because I was afraid of what to Tweet or how to Tweet without looking like a Tweetard…well let me tell you something…I am a Tweeter and I am Proud!  Feel the need to go out on a T-shirt website and get a shirt created with that logo on it…along with that one that says “I’m with stupid” that always points to my husband! I hear they have a buy one get one free promo…but anyway let me get back on track here…I have no idea how to explain how hard it is to say what you need to say in 140 letters or less.  I cannot lie…I have verbal diarrhea and having to constrain my verbal blurts to 140 letters is like putting me in a Twitter "I Love Me Jacket" and then tell me that I have to make my Tweet super short or you’re going to Twee-shank  me!  (Whispering here)…Twitterville…it’s so scary!  Any hoo…so this week I have been Tweeting and I have to tell ya…it has been pretty fun!  So I decided that I was going to periodically share with all of you my  Craptastic Tweets and then let you know in MORE than 140 letters what I was thinking when I wrote the Tweet…again I do this because I CARE…and sharing is caring so here's a sampling  of my Tweets for the week and what I really wanted to say IF I HAD MORE LETTERS Sheesh! :

You know that you have road rage when you start yelling at the five year olds at Tomorrowland Speedway to get off your ass

                I live in a state where all of the drivers constantly ride your ass and then flip you off!  I know that I have “Asian drivers syndrome” but I completely lost it when I was flipped off and yelled at in the parking at the church that just happens to be where I take my daughter to school; which prompted the below Tweet

I got flipped off in a church parking lot…I shouldn’t do anything right?

*sounds of grabbing tire iron inserted here*

                Seriously…at times I have some road rage issues and when this chick flipped me off at a Church…I just kind of lost my mind.  Did I come at her all gangsta’ with a tire iron?  No…but I seriously wanted to…Sheesh…how rude right?

Him:  I still have my man card see?

Pulls out my daughters Build a Bear card with hearts and flowers on it

Friends:  BUAHAHAHAHAHAA

Him:  Well F!*K….

                My husband seriously is DIY challenged and after he hit himself in the face with a hammer trying to hang our Christmas Wreath…well...it prompted me to Tweet about his man card.  The dude is great with computers, but once you put a power tool in his hand he wins a Darwin award EVERY SINGLE TIME!  Sheesh…he is so blond…yikes!

Any hoo…if you want to see all of my Twitter flops and Twetardedness just follow me @MiddleageM on Twitter…I promise you my Tweets are so inspiring…well...they will inspire you to NOT be like me…Sheesh…I am embarrassed for myself! 

 

What am I listening to as I pen this verbal atrocity?

Big Girls Don’t Cry, By the Four Seasons

 

 

 

               

 

 

 

 

 

And The Boy Bits They Go...A Trumpets Parody!

OK fellow bloggers…how are those New Year’s Resolutions going?  I know that my resolution to be carefree and happy has been pretty uneventful BUT the week is not yet over party people!  I still have tonight to crawl my decrepit ass up onto the sticky bar at the local watering hole and “Shake That Ass” to show them what I am workin’ with right?  Knowing me I will probably pass out hugging my boyfriend El Patron while Cougar dreaming about the yummy Clint Eastwood Jr. cublet Scott Eastwood WAY before I even think about getting my dance on! Sheesh I AM SO OLD!

For those of you who do not know who I am Cougar Cubbin’ over well here is your visual eye candy for the day!  So delicious…makes me almost embarrassed to be Cougar Crushing over this cub BUT not enough to stop blabbing about him via this verbal monstrosity right?

 

OK…let’s get this bloggary back on track here…so the other day a Co-Worker of mine IM’d me and started to vent about his gym experience and I thought that since so many folks were trying to get fit as their New Year’s resolution I would share our riveting conversation with you all!  I know my kindness knows no bounds right?  After I tell you about what we talked about you might think that I need to look up the definition of kindness because obviously I DO NOT HAVE A CLUE!  So back to my story…my friend is a dude who works out all the time!  Like he is seriously a muscle maniac that goes to the gym sometimes twice a day and because of our company forced relocation he had to move back to the east coast and join another gym which is fine BUT apparently this gym comes with some different perceived “benefits” than  the  gym that he left behind in sunny Arizona.  So apparently this gym has a different perception of what the changing room actually means…in that after they change out of their gym clothes it turns into some type of old guy NUDIST COLONY!  YIKES!  He told me that there are like all forms of dudes just handing out with their bits n stuff wagging in the wind as if their tightie whiteys are on strike and have self combusted on their sorry asses as their way of telling them that they refuse to be adorned on their sorry saggy asses ANYMORE!  Oh bloggers I am not finished with this very scary butt naked tale of  woe he also told me that they kind of strut around with their junk-n-stuff all out in the open while they do things like brush their teeth, put deodorant on their nasty hairy armpits, and comb their hair, all the while doing this WITH AN AUDIENCE! Bloggers….I cannot lie…my mind starting imagining these really old dudes proudly doing things like lunges and stretches with their ancient pickles and olives wagging in the wind and I felt a little bit of my breakfast make a reappearance!  SO WRONG! Thinking that Ellen might want to take pity on these poor souls and supply this crew a bunch of her ELLEN underwear as part of her charity campaign because these dudes clearly NEED THEM! Sheesh!  So anyway as I was IM’ing him I started changing up the words to Jason DeRulo’s song Trumpets as a sad attempt to try to scrub  the “buck naked old ass scars” off of his brain and because again I AM JUST THAT KIND I thought that I would share them with you…so here you go!

 

Every time that you get undressed
I hear shouting in my head
I wrote this song, trying NOT to look at your naked ass oh yeah
Yet those boy bits hang low
And the changing room dudes they go
Please put some clothes on
My eyes can only take so much
Please put some clothes on
My eyes can only take so much
I’m blind
 

Is it weird that I hear
Cheering whenever your clothed
Whenever your clothed
Is it weird that your junk
Reminds me of an R. Kelly song
R.Kelly song

Everytime that you get undressed
I hear my mind shutting down again
My mind is shutting down again
I wrote this song trying not to look at your ass  uh huh
Yet those old wrinkly bits still hang low
And the changing room dudes they go
Please put some clothes on
My eyes can only take so much
Please put some clothes on
My eyes can only take so much
I’m blind

 Damn, is it weird that I hear
Butt burping when you bend low
When you bend low
Is it weird that your ass reminds me
Of a Weird Al Yankovic song
Weird Al Yankovic song

Is it weird that I hear
Clapping when you put your clothes on
Put your clothes on
Is it weird that your skivvies
Remind me of a dirty diaper song
Dirty Diaper song

 Everytime that you get undressed
I hear the sounds of blindfolds being flung on
I wrote this song trying not to look at you uh huh
Oh yeah
Every time you get undressed
I hear vomit noises in the gym (in the gym)
I wrote this song trying not to look at you, oh oh, not looking at you
Yeah that junk just hangs low
And that junk just sways slow
They sway, oh yeah
Close your eyes, close your eyes, close your eyes, oh oh 

So there you go bloggers…if you are one of these people that have suffered permanent eye damage from a similar experience, this parody is for you! 

Again…you all can thank me later for my KINDNESS! Remember sharing  is caring! 

What am I listening while I pen this verbal atrocity?

Trumpets, by Jason DeRulo

 

 

New Year's Resolution...I Got Nothin'! What An Epic FAIL!

 

So fellow bloggers I bet that a lot of you are out there grasping a hold of this glorious New Year like you were grabbing onto the locks of that serious hot dude's hair in college during that one night stand that you publicly tell your friends never happened…but we all know that it SO did right?  Well…let me tell you…this New Year and me are not resolving MUCH AT ALL...I feel like the New Year’s baby diaper…in that I am kind of full from Christmas binging on pecan pie and basically as a result I am completely full of shit!  Sheesh…WTF is wrong with me right?  As I sit here and pen this over bloated bloggary I have come to the conclusion that I have NO idea why this New Year’s I have become a royal Debbie Downer!  I know this post is just getting more riveting by the over bloated letter right?  I have to tell ya that if you knew me,  you would know that I am usually the person who literally goes out and grabs the problem by the horn and "womanhandles" that mother to the ground!  People have been seriously injured trying to get out of my way when something shiny catches my eye…ask that Dude at Costco that got between me and the last organic rice crispy treat sample…it was UGLY people…that dude now has to permanently whisper due to the injuries that his nether regions suffered from the interaction that my knee inflected on his sorry ass!  Who the hell gets between a mother of a 5 year old and the last rice crispy treat right?  That dude understands that lesson very well…he is probably at speech therapy right now cursing his stupidity right?  Sheesh!  So…again…let me get back on track here...because I am older than the Crypt Keeper, I found myself reflecting on some of the New Year’s Resolutions that I have made over the years and they are the usual:  lose weight, finish my Master’s degree, be a better professional (not in a weird paid escort way either…even though that might pay better…hmmmm….ok that is another post all together right? We’ll revisit that topic on another day! HAHAHA), eat better, be nicer to people (ok that one was a REALLY desperate resolution…I am just too much of a smartass to be that NICE…HELLO let’s just read some of these posts on this blog right...that one…yeah EPIC FAIL!  Any hoo, some of those resolutions I did manage to accomplish but some of them not so much…so I realized that my resolution for this year is just to try to be Happy and to finally succumb to what my husband desperately refers to  as the “uncorking of that  social etiquette stick” that is permanently stuck up my ass!  Ask my husband…he will tell you that I have a serious corncob stuck in that dark depressing cave that is lodged so deep that  it  probably needs a search and rescue team combined with the world’s top notch “stick removal surgeons” to dislodge it from the dark regions of ass hell!  I blame that anal lodged tree stump on my mother and her dang Korean teachings that women should be invisible and to never do anything remotely embarrassing…hmmmm….come to think of it…my mother should take her own advice when she looks in the mirror and finds the reflection of a Korean Peg Bundy in leopard tights staring back at her! Ah Yeah…that is not EMBARASSING nor is she INVISIB LE at all in that outfit!  Sheesh!  So bloggers my New Year’s resolution is to try to be more DARING and to not think about the repercussions of things that I might want to do in a social setting.  Now fellow bloggers, I am not thinking about robbing a bank or pulling a COYOTE UGLY dance-a-thon at the local dive bar…even though that might be seriously entertaining because I do have the “moves like Jagger”…well more like “moves induced by Jagermeister”…yes I am just that SMOOTH (sounds of Jager induced coughing inserted here)!  NOT!  But what I do vow is to try to have as much fun as I possibly can without catching the eye of the local Po Po or even worse being caught on tape by some weird reality show videographer filming “When Midlife Crisis Escapades Go Bad!”…I have heard that never works out FOR ANYONE…the audience included here people... let's just say the visuals might be alarming!  Not to mention where those visual black bar's might be inserted in the video so as to hide old lady bits... yeah just so you know if that happens and your screen goes black, it is not because DIRECTV is out it is because those LADY PARTS are just that big and NASTY!  Yeah total BLACK OUT people! So horrifically SAD!  So if you read about some random old lady wreaking havoc on TMZ ...I will deny that I was even in the vicinity!  J  OK fellow bloggers…who is with me on this resolution?  I think that if you are you will SO thank me later…OK I am finished rambling…let’s get this EPIC thrill seeking year started!   

What am I listening to as I pen this verbal atrocity?

Sorry For Party Rockin’, by LMFAO