What You Talkin' About Willis?

OK fellow bloggers, if you have been following my overly bloated bloggary, you know that my mother is an OLD VAIN PIMA (Pain In My Ass…thought that I would share that with ya since this blog does not come with an acronyms list…I know I’m lazy…what can I say? Ha!) that cannot hear an F’in thing!  So frustrating!  So here’s a little bit of back ground as to how I got to this frustrating point with her… so about two years ago my mother started to lose her hearing…at first it was mildly annoying to find out that she could not hear you…like when…oh say… you’re at Macy’s and when you excitedly tell her that that this sale is the SHIZZNIZZLE she yells “You have to take a Shit?” like in public…at the top of her lungs in her crazy broken English! So embarrassing! True story people… really happened…teaches me to use my street lingo on my little delicate Korean mother!  HAHAHAHA!  But seriously let’s just put it out there…this is not the first time that my body functions have been ousted in public…my daughter has questioned my ability to hold in a butt bomb at the Super Target…also at the top of her little four year old lungs… so sadly I am not an amateur in trying to feign my knowledge of my family members in a public place.  I am a trained ninja when it comes to evasive maneuvers when you have been publicly humiliated…it is a defensive sport I invested in early on in order to cope with MY FAMILY members!  YIKES! Not only is my daughter embarrassing me with her feeling the need to ask me if I have FARTED in public but now my mother is outing my Gastrointestinal tract’s abilities in of all places the cooking department at Macy’s!  Thinking that Martha Stewart is probably not aware that her cookware would incite the need for EX-LAX…hmmmm….also thinking that I should tell her that she could use that idea as super MACY’s  campaign for Christmas!  Just think of the sales she could have if she combined her snazzy Crock Pot with a recipe for a baked bean EX-LAX surprise as a deterrent to having family members stay through the holidays!  I would totally consider that recipe if it meant that my mother would GO AWAY…OK without the shitting your pants part…my bathrooms can only take so much…I’m just sayin’!  Sheesh!  Any hoo…getting us back on track here…so after that disaster at the mall…I asked her what the F* is up with her hearing and she was like…”…oh it is kind of leaving me…”  First of all…WHAT.THE.F* does that cryptic Confucius crap mean? Apparently it means that her hearing decided that she has been a big pain in its aural ass and gave her the finger! So after Buddha had explained to me the meaning of life, I finally get around to asking her if she was going to get a hearing aid and she was like “…no…those things are ugly!” and then she gave me her best Medusa and continued to scrutinize the tortilla warmers that are innocently waiting for her onslaught of Korean judgment! Poor tortilla warmers never knew what hit them!  HA!  After that incident her hearing has gotten so bad that she can barely hear anything that you have to say!  It is so frustrating! So let’s just cut to the chase here…I had to call her on her birthday a couple of weeks ago and I wanted to share with you the dialog…with a little bit of a visual helping aid of what my mother looks like…picture a Korean Peg Bundy…are you there yet?  If so…here we go:

Dad: “Heeeeeellllllloooooo?” My dad answers the phone and after the time travel wormhole has closed (he talks so damn slow) I finally get to respond with:

Me: “Hey Dad…what’s up?” OK…trying to still act coherent here but I am already fading…FAST!

Dad: “OHHHH….Nothing much...” awkward silence commences here…tick tock tick tock tick tock…

Me: “Ummm is mom around? I wanted to wish her a Happy Birthday?” Still trying to feign interest here but it is getting harder by the reversal in time process brought on by father’s inability to speak quickly!  Sheesh!

Dad: “Oh yeah…she’s in the kitchen…let me get her”  Oh yay…I am now jumping for joy that I get to speak to my no filter mother…it was a great experience the last time when she told me that I sounded fat…thinking this time she will tell me that I need to moisturize more to deter the obvious aging process that she can sense OVER THE PHONE!  Seriously…that woman has a talent…I should show case her on Those Amazing Animals and make a fortune!  HAAHAHAHAAA!

Me:  “OK…thanks!”  Sweat is now dripping down my face as I wait for my mother to pick up the phone…silently wishing that I didn’t eat that bean burrito at Taco Hell…it seems to agree with my mother’s comments at that mall!  HAHAHAHAHAHAAA! 

Mom:  “Hewouw?” OK so she doesn’t really sound like an Asian cartoon character BUT she seriously has issues pronouncing the letter L!  No lie…really can’t pronounce them…she’s great at dinner parties!  Try to get her to say LaLaLoopsy…that is a party winner right there!  Entertainment for hours! 

Me:  “Hey mom…Happy Birthday!”  Trying to cut to the chase here so that I can just hang up…I know I am a horrible daughter…but she is just well…such a MOTHER!  Sheesh!

Mom: “Who dis?” Seriously?  She cannot hear me and my rocket scientist of a father apparently can’t let her know who is on the phone!  Already feeling my sanity slip a little here…

Me: “Mom…it’s me!” I am kind of yelling now…oh and did I tell you that I am calling her over the Bluetooth in the car and my daughter is listening in to all of this?  Ah yeah…good times!

Mom:  “I can’t hear…who dis?”  OK…now I want to strangle her and my father both at this point! 

Me and my daughter yelling at the top of our lungs:  “HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDMA!”

Mom:  “Oh…thank you!”  Finally thinking that I have made progress here…but then…

Me: “So did you get anything good?”

Mom: “Whah?” Holy Crap…here we go again!

Me: “DID YOU GET ANYTHING GOOD?” Totally shouting here!

Mom: “I can’t hear you…” She is actually doing that Asian shy laughing thing now…I want to slap her!

Me: “Mom…give the phone to dad!” I’ve had it…I need to yell at my Einstein of a father for allowing this conversation to go this long! YIKES!

Mom: “Whah?”  OMG!  I realize that I am telling a DEAF person to do something…this could take FOREVER! 

Me:  “HAND THE PHONE TO DAD” I am screaming like a mental patient now!

My daughter:  “Mom…stop yelling…Grandma can’t hear you when you yell in her ear!” OK…that is JUST HILARIOUS!  I start to get a little crazy laugh going on and I can’t stop because this is just SO beyond the loony bin it’s just not funny!  Now I am desperately pawing through my purse for my boyfriend Prince Valium to whisk me away from this train wreck called MY MOTHER! 

Mom: “Whah?”  Oh for F’s sake really?  Where in the F* is my father here?  I am thinking that I might have to resort to calling the neighbor and have them run on over and let them know that I have hung up on their ass at this point…SO RIDICULOUS!

Dad:  “HHHHHEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY” OMG!  I have gone from Helen Keller here to a very Texan Forest Gump!  Prince Valium is NOT being a good boyfriend here and helping me out…I’m just sayin’…

Me:  “Dad…can you PLEASE get her a Frickin’ hearing aid?  This is crazy!” I all but screech at him…

Dad:  “Whaaaaaaaattttttt?”  OK…this is when I claim that I was going through the mountains and got cut off here and hang up on his ASS! My brain can only take so much torture in one day!  HOLY SHIT!  Seriously?  WHAT.THE.F* is the deal with my mother NOT wanting to get a hearing aid? After multiple shots of Tequila and a chat with the Prince… I realized that she is seriously that VAIN and it’s not like I haven’t shown her that some are so microscopic that you can’t even see them in your ears  but she still REFUSES to get a set!  So frustrating! I seriously think that it all comes down to her inability to wear them because they don’t match her Peg Bundy attire and that her big ol’ bee hive hairdo might start a revolution if she has the nerve to don a pair of hearing aid devices!  WTF right? This is just so RIDICULOUS!  So fellow bloggers there you go…a play by play on how I gave my mother her Happy Birthday Greeting…I’m available if any of you in the blogosphere feel the need to use my oh so special voice in your personalized Hallmark greeting card to your loved one!  My e-mail is full of requests…I apparently have a highly desired screeching skill set…my mother would be so PROUD!

What am I listening to as I rant in this bloggary:  Come On Feel The Noise, by Quiet Riot.