OK fellow bloggers, if you have been following my overly
bloated bloggary, you know that my mother is an OLD VAIN PIMA (Pain In My Ass…thought
that I would share that with ya since this blog does not come with an acronyms
list…I know I’m lazy…what can I say? Ha!) that cannot hear an F’in thing! So frustrating! So here’s a little bit of back ground as to
how I got to this frustrating point with her… so about two years ago my mother
started to lose her hearing…at first it was mildly annoying to find out that
she could not hear you…like when…oh say… you’re at Macy’s and when you
excitedly tell her that that this sale is the SHIZZNIZZLE she yells “You have
to take a Shit?” like in public…at the top of her lungs in her crazy broken
English! So embarrassing! True story people… really happened…teaches me to use
my street lingo on my little delicate Korean mother! HAHAHAHA!
But seriously let’s just put it out there…this is not the first time
that my body functions have been ousted in public…my daughter has questioned my
ability to hold in a butt bomb at the Super Target…also at the top of her
little four year old lungs… so sadly I am not an amateur in trying to feign my knowledge
of my family members in a public place.
I am a trained ninja when it comes to evasive maneuvers when you have
been publicly humiliated…it is a defensive sport I invested in early on in
order to cope with MY FAMILY members!
YIKES! Not only is my daughter embarrassing me with her feeling the need
to ask me if I have FARTED in public but now my mother is outing my Gastrointestinal
tract’s abilities in of all places the cooking department at Macy’s! Thinking that Martha Stewart is probably not
aware that her cookware would incite the need for EX-LAX…hmmmm….also thinking
that I should tell her that she could use that idea as super MACY’s campaign for Christmas! Just think of the sales she could have if she
combined her snazzy Crock Pot with a recipe for a baked bean EX-LAX surprise as
a deterrent to having family members stay through the holidays! I would totally consider that recipe if it
meant that my mother would GO AWAY…OK without the shitting your pants part…my
bathrooms can only take so much…I’m just sayin’! Sheesh!
Any hoo…getting us back on track here…so after that disaster at the mall…I
asked her what the F* is up with her hearing and she was like…”…oh it is kind
of leaving me…” First of all…WHAT.THE.F*
does that cryptic Confucius crap mean? Apparently it means that her hearing
decided that she has been a big pain in its aural ass and gave her the finger!
So after Buddha had explained to me the meaning of life, I finally get around
to asking her if she was going to get a hearing aid and she was like “…no…those
things are ugly!” and then she gave me her best Medusa and continued to
scrutinize the tortilla warmers that are innocently waiting for her onslaught
of Korean judgment! Poor tortilla warmers never knew what hit them! HA! After that incident her hearing has gotten so
bad that she can barely hear anything that you have to say! It is so frustrating! So let’s just cut to
the chase here…I had to call her on her birthday a couple of weeks ago and I
wanted to share with you the dialog…with a little bit of a visual helping aid
of what my mother looks like…picture a Korean Peg Bundy…are you there yet? If so…here we go:
Dad: “Heeeeeellllllloooooo?”
My dad answers the phone and after the time travel wormhole has closed (he
talks so damn slow) I finally get to respond with:
Me: “Hey Dad…what’s
up?” OK…trying to still act coherent here but I am already fading…FAST!
Dad: “OHHHH….Nothing
much...” awkward silence commences here…tick tock tick tock tick tock…
Me: “Ummm is mom
around? I wanted to wish her a Happy Birthday?” Still trying to feign interest
here but it is getting harder by the reversal in time process brought on by
father’s inability to speak quickly!
Sheesh!
Dad: “Oh yeah…she’s
in the kitchen…let me get her” Oh yay…I
am now jumping for joy that I get to speak to my no filter mother…it was a
great experience the last time when she told me that I sounded fat…thinking
this time she will tell me that I need to moisturize more to deter the obvious
aging process that she can sense OVER THE PHONE! Seriously…that woman has a talent…I should
show case her on Those Amazing Animals and make a fortune! HAAHAHAHAAA!
Me: “OK…thanks!”
Sweat is now dripping down my face as I wait for my mother to pick up
the phone…silently wishing that I didn’t eat that bean burrito at Taco Hell…it
seems to agree with my mother’s comments at that mall! HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!
Mom: “Hewouw?” OK so she doesn’t really sound like
an Asian cartoon character BUT she seriously has issues pronouncing the letter
L! No lie…really can’t pronounce them…she’s
great at dinner parties! Try to get her
to say LaLaLoopsy…that is a party winner right there! Entertainment for hours!
Me: “Hey mom…Happy Birthday!” Trying to cut to the chase here so that I can
just hang up…I know I am a horrible daughter…but she is just well…such a
MOTHER! Sheesh!
Mom: “Who dis?”
Seriously? She cannot hear me and my
rocket scientist of a father apparently can’t let her know who is on the
phone! Already feeling my sanity slip a
little here…
Me: “Mom…it’s me!”
I am kind of yelling now…oh and did I tell you that I am calling her over the Bluetooth
in the car and my daughter is listening in to all of this? Ah yeah…good times!
Mom: “I can’t hear…who dis?” OK…now I want to strangle her and my father
both at this point!
Me and my daughter
yelling at the top of our lungs: “HAPPY
BIRTHDAY GRANDMA!”
Mom: “Oh…thank you!” Finally thinking that I have made progress
here…but then…
Me: “So did you
get anything good?”
Mom: “Whah?” Holy
Crap…here we go again!
Me: “DID YOU GET
ANYTHING GOOD?” Totally shouting here!
Mom: “I can’t
hear you…” She is actually doing that Asian shy laughing thing now…I want to
slap her!
Me: “Mom…give the phone to dad!” I’ve had it…I need to yell
at my Einstein of a father for allowing this conversation to go this long!
YIKES!
Mom: “Whah?” OMG! I
realize that I am telling a DEAF person to do something…this could take
FOREVER!
Me: “HAND THE PHONE TO DAD” I am screaming like a
mental patient now!
My daughter: “Mom…stop yelling…Grandma can’t hear you when
you yell in her ear!” OK…that is JUST HILARIOUS!
I start to get a little crazy laugh going on and I can’t stop because
this is just SO beyond the loony bin it’s just not funny! Now I am desperately pawing through my purse
for my boyfriend Prince Valium to whisk me away from this train wreck called MY
MOTHER!
Mom: “Whah?” Oh for F’s sake really? Where in the F* is my father here? I am thinking that I might have to resort to
calling the neighbor and have them run on over and let them know that I have
hung up on their ass at this point…SO RIDICULOUS!
Dad: “HHHHHEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY” OMG! I have gone from Helen Keller here to a very
Texan Forest Gump! Prince Valium is NOT
being a good boyfriend here and helping me out…I’m just sayin’…
Me: “Dad…can you PLEASE get her a Frickin’
hearing aid? This is crazy!” I all but
screech at him…
Dad: “Whaaaaaaaattttttt?” OK…this is when I claim that I was going
through the mountains and got cut off here and hang up on his ASS! My brain can
only take so much torture in one day!
HOLY SHIT! Seriously? WHAT.THE.F* is the deal with my mother NOT
wanting to get a hearing aid? After multiple shots of Tequila and a chat with
the Prince… I realized that she is seriously that VAIN and it’s not like I haven’t
shown her that some are so microscopic that you can’t even see them in your
ears but she still REFUSES to get a set! So frustrating! I seriously think that it all
comes down to her inability to wear them because they don’t match her Peg Bundy
attire and that her big ol’ bee hive hairdo might start a revolution if she has
the nerve to don a pair of hearing aid devices!
WTF right? This is just so RIDICULOUS! So fellow bloggers there you go…a play by play
on how I gave my mother her Happy Birthday Greeting…I’m available if any of you
in the blogosphere feel the need to use my oh so special voice in your
personalized Hallmark greeting card to your loved one!
My e-mail is full of requests…I apparently have a highly desired
screeching skill set…my mother would be so PROUD!
What am I listening to as I rant in this bloggary: Come On Feel The Noise, by Quiet Riot.
