Raising Teenage Girls: Our Sour Patch Kids A.K.A Teenagers

 
OK everyone out in the blogosphere… for those of us lucky enough to call ourselves parents, there is a phenomenon I would like to discuss. It’s called raising teenagers.

More specifically… the animal known as the teenage girl.

Or what I lovingly refer to as the hoarder that lives in my basement.

Now let me clarify — she is not living in some horror-movie dungeon. This basement is basically a mini apartment with its own bathroom and refrigerator. This is not a torture chamber from a Freddy Krueger movie. Let’s just get that straight.

Teenage girls, however, are a completely different species.


The Mood Mystery of Teenage Girls
For those of us who are girl moms, we are thrilled to be their mother… but it comes with stipulations.

Mainly: you never know what mood you’re walking into.

Every interaction is approached like a hostage negotiation.

“Hey, how was your day?”

Cue:

eye roll
sigh
dramatic flop onto furniture
commentary about how everyone at school is terrible
Heaven help you if you ask a follow-up question.

You either get:

A full TED Talk about how everyone on earth is annoying
Complete silence like you just asked a classified government question
There is no in-between.


The Getting Ready Process (An Olympic Event)
Let’s talk about how long it takes a teenage girl to get ready.

It is… astounding.

Apparently preparing for the world to acknowledge your existence is a multi-hour event.

These kids now watch tutorials showing how to contour your nose to look like Ariana Grande or sculpt your jawline like Kylie Jenner.

Meanwhile, my generation learned makeup by watching my sister sharpen a black Wet n Wild eyeliner and transform herself into someone who looked like she belonged in an early Ozzy Osbourne music video.

Times have changed.


The Makeup Explosion
The end result?

They walk out looking like supermodels.

The bathroom, however, looks like a group of homeless models raided a Sephora and left chaos in their wake.

It is a disaster.

Trying to teach organization to a teenage girl is like arm wrestling an octopus. It’s technically possible, but no one wins.

I have tried bins from the The Container Store.
I have panic-ordered solutions from Amazon.

At this point the delivery driver and I are basically best friends. I’m pretty sure we’re one step away from exchanging holiday cards.


The Teenage Attitude Power
Let me tell you something else…

The attitude.

If you could bottle teenage angst, you could sell it to the Department of Defense.

One look could stop crime.

Nations would surrender.

She has the power to take down civilizations with a single eye roll.

Even Grogu (Baby Yoda) would not stand a chance.


The Sour Patch Kid Effect
If you have a teenage daughter, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Sweet one minute.

Sour the next.

Hence… Sour Patch Kids.

They are simultaneously:

The best thing you’ve ever done

The most confusing human you’ve ever encountered

If you also have a teenage daughter who is basically your favorite person but also THE Karen in your life, please tell me how you’re surviving.

Because this girl mom has officially met her match.


🎧 What I’m listening to while writing this:
“I Want Candy” by Bow Wow Wow

---