Post Male Stupidity…that is really what PMS stands for!

OK ladies out in blogger land…this blog is totally meant for all of you…sorry guys…this blog (yet again) will not be in your favor so you will have to (as usual) suck it up!  So any hoo…the other day my other half and I were having another one of our long winded "discussions" and according to him I was being totally mean and irrational.  Well…more mean and irrational than usual and do you know what he had the nerve to ask me?  Ah yeah…OK ladies…now is the time to make sure that you are seated and not near any breakable objects because this blog is about to get pretty heated and irritating!  So…he had the nerve to ask me if I was PMS'ing!? I was like "WHAT?"  Oh no he didn't just ask me if I had a visit from the lady fairy!  So I proceeded to ask him very slowly if he could repeat what he just said…now i have to tell you that if he was a smart man, my body language alone would be enough to scare a mugger in NY but that combined with my deadly Medusa stare should have warned him to retract his statement or think of something pretty witty as a cover up story.  BUT NOOOOOOOO…that dumb ass was like "I was just wondering if it was nearing that time of the month?" and he said this with a stupid "doe in the head lights" look on his face!  I was  near nuclear by that point…Chernobyl had nothing on me I was so heated!  I wanted to show him what PMS was all about with my fists and shove his dumb ass out the door!  Once I could unclench my fists and form a coherent statement I proceeded to tell him that NO I was not "riding the crimson wave" but that YES he was being an ignorant ass by even asking the question!  He was totally clueless over the whole thing and could not understand why I was making such a big deal out of his little question!  Again…totally floored by his stupidity!  I had to tell him that by no way shape or form was he going to EVER get out of the dog house by asking me if I was having a lady moment…like EVER…so my suggestion to him was to NEVER bring it up again or fear the wrath of me experiencing PMS every time he wanted to get "friendly"!  That totally opened his eyes and shut his ass up…well at least for that argument or I wouldn't have this blog right?!  HA!  Again…men are so easy to manipulate…It is almost too easy…  :)

Back Muffins and Knee Fat…Things That Make You Go Hmmm….?!

Hello bloggers  out in the blogosphere!  Today’s blog is about finding things on your body that used to be tight and toned but ( to your shock and horror) are now fat and  downright ghastly!  As I was getting ready this morning, I was putting on my foundation (yes…I was using the damned 20X vanity mirror from hell!) and I noticed that I had the beginnings of a neck waddle going on!  To say that I almost pulled an Ike Turner on that mirror’s ass is an understatement!  I went a little “I love me jacket” and had to look at it from every angle and from like every mirror in my house like a deranged neck waddle stalker.  Let me tell you that once I found that little dangle of skin starting to sag from my neck, I started to “check” out other things that could possibly start to wiggle and sag.  OMG!  I don’t quite know how to break this to all of you out in blogger land but what I am about to tell you is pretty freakin’ scary…so just mentally prepare yourself…for the two little words that I am going to type…KNEE FAT?!  WTF?  Seriously?  How does one get knee fat?  The tops of my knees look like these fat little buttery croissants that have come to cop a squat on my once toned knees!  Again…WTF?  How does that happen?  I also have the early warning signs of some serious need for an old school thigh master or a “date” with one of those crazy drill sergeant work out dudes because my thighs are in saggy ass SOS mode!  The discovery of under arm waddle (one would think) would have been the nail in my wrinkly ass coffin, but what sent me over the edge was the lovely discovery of back muffins!  I repeat…BACK MUFFINS!  OK…so how in the HELL does one get back muffins?  There is no diet or exercise routine that is going to minimize those babies and if there were, how does one go about asking the hot very expensive personal trainer that you have now hired (I clearly need therapy) to focus on working off your offensive back muffins that now resemble sausage links because of my stupid spandex top?!  Did I tell you all that I hate spandex?  Why yes…spandex and I have been at odds since the 80’s when I WAS YOUNG…so to say that we are “UFC cage matching” now that I am an old ass nightmare is just a given!  Spandex should be outlawed or maybe you should have to have a license to wear it (only if you are HOT and in shape…clearly we are not going to digress into speedo banana hammocks territory here …that is another blog entirely!  HA!).   The rules for spandex should be placed for all to see before you buy it:  If you look like a Victoria’s Secrets or Abercrombie model, please buy and for all others sweatpants and a T-shirt is just the thing for you!  Sheesh!  It seems like common sense to me and after looking at all of my wiggles and waddles I clearly need a Mumu…or perhaps a visit to the plastic surgeon for some Lipo would do the trick?!  I hate pain but after seeing the “state of the union” A.K.A. my old ass body I am thinking that the pain is OK…it has to be better than looking at my knee fat and back muffins for the rest of my life!  Sheesh!  That is a vision I would not wish on anyone…not even my enemies…well if those enemies would have an “accident” and leave me some cash (to take care of these old ass offenders) then they can “vision” away!  J

What I am listening to as I blog this pathetic bloggary:  E.T., by Katy Perry

Third Eye Blind and I am not talking about the band!

OK bloggers...this blog is not for the faint of heart or for people that have any vanity issues what so EVER because this blog is about waking up to a perfectly good day with a ZIT the size of China smack dab in the middle of your forehead!  Why yes...that is what happened to me this morning and I just have to say...WHAT THE HELL?  There is nothing like walking into your bathroom, peering into your very large bathroom mirror with sleep deprived eyes, and find the biggest monstrosity EVER perched right between your oh so prominent forehead frowns A.K.A. ghastly forehead wrinkles!  Seriously?  I would think that the advantage of having wrinkles would be to hide a zit the size of Uranus!  Not that there was any good use for forehead wrinkles but COME ON they have to be good for something right?   Apparently NOT because this beauty was HUGE and it was here to stay!  The thing about zits is that even though you can try to cover them up with makeup, they still look like a zit...that is now just doused in cover up and foundation that makes it kind of look like a big fat nasty booger on your face...well in my case a big fat giant must have sneezed a fat loogie right on my forehead GROSS!  Again...WHAT THE HELL?!  It's times like these where I just want to put a big ol' Hello Kitty band aid across my forehead and claim that I knocked myself out on a chair in a drunken stupor and cracked my head open.  Nobody would question the cute kitty cat band aid on my forehead then...but NOOOOOO if you have a zit on your head there is no band aid to cover that crap up!  You have to wear it like a badge of courage and hope that you don't find people hypnotically staring at it like it is going to disappear if they stare it down long enough...like they are Clint Eastwood staring down a bandito in a spaghetti western! Queue the music and let loose the tumble weeds on that zits ass! Seriously?!   Yeah it would have to take like the SUN to stare that baby down and then maybe that thing would run away and find another person to torture...like I don't know...maybe an adolescent teenager perhaps and not their mother!!!!  UGH!!!  Now all I have to do is wait for it to explode like Mt. Vesuvius and then hope that it doesn't leave a huge ass brown spot on my forehead...well maybe then I could change it into a beauty spot?  But then again someone might think that it is a big ol' horse fly and knock me flat on my ass trying to kill it!  Yeah...I am better off just suffering with the booger like concealer all the while trying to sip on a whole cup of courage and self esteem!  That is a way better idea...not really...any way you spin it this totally BLOWS!  :(

What am I listening to while I whine in this bloggary:  I Knew You Were Trouble, by Taylor Swift.

What The Flock?

OK people out in blogger land...today's post is not something annoying or stupid that my other half does. No...today's rant is about of course getting old and how I want to cryogenically freeze myself or become a vampire to not age another day!  It is horrific!  So let me tell you all what happened today...we were sitting in my friends car talking about music when the song "I Ran" came on the radio by Flock of Seagulls.  I, like the 80's freak that I am, starting screaming like a groupie at at a One Direction concert to turn that song up! Yes...I am old...but do know who One Direction is Sheesh!  Any hoo...so all of my 30 something friends in the car were like "who the hell is this?"  I almost fell out of my luxurious leather seat...the horror of it all...they had NO clue who Flock of Seagulls were?!  So as I animatedly tried to explain to them who they were... like down to the whole swirly hair thing they were like "yeah...still have NO clue!"  I had to bring up Google on my iPhone to show them who they were and they were STILL like yeah still no clue.  So then I started to quiz them on their 80 band trivia as to see who they did know...it was really funny because they only group/people that they knew were U2 (well Bono), and Boy George!  I was floored and they barely got the Boy George Culture Club connection I had to play mock charades with them just to get that right! You know sounds like, two words, point to my guy friend that looks like a girl, etc., etc. Holy crap it was rough!  Seriously?  I felt like my Grandma at a techno club that is how old I felt... well let me take that back...that is how old they made me feel!  I was floored...again... WHO THE HELL does not know who the Flock of Seagulls are?  If you are out in blogger land and you don't know who they are...well then you really should look it up on Google...if anything that swirly hair thing that they have going on is totally worth the effort!  Trust me...totally worth it! 

What am I listening to as I Blog this:  In a Big Country, by Big Country (another classic that is worth looking up!)

The Hall Pass Experiment

OK...so male bloggers beware this post is not in your favor..not at all...so please "don't be hatin' " I am just the author here...but any way your carve it this is some funny ass crap so here you go!  Anyway, the other night my husband and I were eating dinner in the bar area of a Mexican restaurant in our neighborhood and it was fairly packed for a Thursday night (so lame that we are so old that Thursday night is our Friday night but whatever (sigh).)  Anyway we were about half way into our margarita's when 6 fairly young ( I would think in their 20's) ladies walked in and sat down at a table close to us.  My husband, being the man that he is, proceeded to try to hide his ogling of these young ladies but yet again, as with everything else he does, failed miserably to do so.  Don't get me wrong all of you in blogger land, these girls were dressed to kill and they were obviously on their way to clubbin' and this was just their warm up before the kill.  My husband was mesmerized by these girls so after about 15 minutes of obvious sly glances, and not hearing a single word that I was talking about (I could have told him that I had purchased a small country and he would have been like "Yeah...OK..whatever..." he was so distracted it was funny!), that I finally told him that he could have a Hall Pass.  He was like "what?" Yeah...I had finally earned his full attention and now he was totally focused on what I was saying (do I really need to resort to such tactics to get his attention?  Apparently! Sheesh! He's such a guy!) Any hoo...I proceeded to tell him that if he was so interested in those young ladies that I would give him a Hall Pass to go and try to "Hit That".  OK...so now all of you in blogger land are probably like are you crazy?  So let me pass on a little secret for all of you...there was no chance in HELL that he was going to get a chance to even talk to them let alone get some "digits" for a booty call!  For all of you that have seen my husband you are like "Ah Ha...I see your logic here...for those of you who don't...well...let's just say that he is cute but not THAT cute OK?  I think that you all get the picture here...I was giving him a chance to go talk to them with the only rule being that I could sit back and watch the whole interaction because I really needed a good laugh and this was the best opportunity for a good ol' fashioned belly aching laugh fest.  I knew that if he took me up on my offer that this was going to be good!  So I proceeded give him a thumbs up and scooted back my chair to clear the path to "hottie land" and see what he would do...and do you all know  what he did?  He got up and proceeded to walk towards them  but then sauntered past them to go to the men's room?!  Totally funny!  I almost peed myself from laughing so hard!  Totally classic!  He comes back after awhile, and casually sits back down on his stool and proceed to sip his margarita like nothing has happened?!  HILARIOUS!  I was like "so no digits?"  He proceeded to tell me that up close they weren't really that hot so he decided against it!  HAHAHAHAHA!  I almost fell out of my chair from the hilarity of it all!  After I could breathe, he tells me that I could have a Hall Pass too if I wanted and he waves his hand around the bar like Vanna showing off all of the "man candy" that was apparently all around.  I was like OK...here is a little bit of a reality check for you buddy...I, unlike yourself, am a realist...I am not going to try to Cougar my way into some cub's pants...and oh BTW all of the guys our age are...let's just say...they are our age...OLD...yeah the pickin's are slim and bleak at best! So yeah... not going to waste my time because that "man candy" that he was telling me does not exist at our age so that Hall Pass that he was offering me...I just have to say that I'm gonna "pass" on the Hall Pass until I see a group of hot guys that don't look like they just hopped off the "old ass and out of shape train" yeah...if I wanted that I would just stick with what I've got...I can tell you that it would be less work that way and way less scarier!  Holy Crap that scene was bleak...even for me and for all of you that know me, that tells you something...it really does!  :)

Mars Reality vs. Venus Reality

OK people out there in blogger land...well mostly the women out in the blogisphere...let's just have a little side bar convo about what our husbands actually DO!  I totally understand that we are all working adults but come on...I feel like I do 99.9% of all of the work that needs to get done in this house hold to my husbands .1% ( I hope that I did my math right there...I never said that I was Einstein :) ) BUT if you were to ask him he would tell you that in his sad pathetic little mind he does  a ton of crap...like so much that it warranted a 20 minute "discussion" about who does more me or him!?  Like I said before we are both 40 + hour a week working professionals with a 4 year old that requires the majority of our attention, but when we actually went toe to toe about who does more house hold work guess who had the longer list?  I can safely say that it was not him BUT he put up a really good fight as to why I do the majority of the work in the house..there was a "you are a total control freak" theme going on here but I digress...so to be fair to the people in bloggerland that don't know him...let's just go over the list of what I do and what he does:

Husband
Sometimes takes daughter to school (he has no concept of time so she is always late and guess who gets chewed out?  Yeah...not him but ME...it is AWESOME to get chewed out by a pre-school teacher...I totally recommend it...NOT!)

Takes the car to the car dealership to get the oil changed and serviced (I have to follow him in the other car with a cranky 4 year old in tow and then "hang" out with him until the car is done...he calls it family time...I call it another form of slavery)

Sometimes takes the trash out to the curb (Only does it when he is "reminded" in a tone that makes even the most bad ass zombie flee for his/her un-dead life)

Plays with my daughter (this consists of destroying the house in the process and me slipping and falling on my ass in the middle of the night with a Lego embedded in my ass! Yeah...good times!)

We have a landscaper and a pool guy that I pay monthly...no need to explain why he is not weeding or cleaning the pool filter here because I PAY someone to do that because SOMEONE couldn't!  (Shouty Caps totally warranted here!)

Me
Clean the house (OK in all fairness we have a maid that comes every other week to do the big stuff but I make sure that nobody gets a Lego imprint on their ass on my watch!)

Pay all the bills (This actually is not a negative thing because I can spend all that I want and just sweep it under the e-bill pay rug!  Teaches him to be lazy and irresponsible when it comes to money!  Coach Outline Online thanks him very much for my patronage! )

Pick my daughter up from school...ON TIME and without an ass chewing!

Wake my daughter up, dress her, do her hair, brush her teeth, feed her, get her backpack ready, and feed HIS dog all before 7a.m. BTW...in case you were wondering he is not even AWAKE and makes me late for work because he is in the shower!  Seriously?  No concept of time or other people's schedules here!  Makes me want to pull a Christian Bale here and fire his ass!

Feed my daughter dinner, make her lunch, give her a bath, and get her ready for bed (yeah...he comes in at her bedtime because he has to work late, gets her all riled up, and then I get to calm her down...again...GOOD TIMES!)

Wash all the dishes (he claims to be allergic to water...like the only water that is tied to the dishes in the sink!  Try another line bucko...so NOT funny!)

I Do ALL the Laundry (in his defense he tried to do the laundry but when my panties ended up resembling a fry cook's nasty wife beater he was immediately fired!)

I have to take care of buying presents, wrapping them, and sending them out even if they are not even for MY family...oh and I also send out 45 Christmas Cards a year... that I address by hand... because he has the handwriting of a 2 year old!

Put gas in my car AFTER he has ran it down to fumes...jack ass!

And the list goes on and on and on...the list is so long it resembles Santa's naughty list in scroll form...so pathetic!  The real reason why I am on this blog ranting is because I feel like ASS!  I have a cold and yeah...I still manage to do all these things without any help from Mr. Mars and when I did ask for a tiny bit of help I was basically given the finger because he has to work late?!  Umm..yeah...again no concept of time here...so when I handed over the Mars vs. Venus list to him and he looked at it...he was like totally offended that I would think to even create such a list!  Seriously?  I had to laugh...he has a totally skewed sense of reality...but then I should not be surprised...he is a man right?


What am I listening to while I write this bloggary:  AC/DC Highway to Hell! 

4 Non Blondes

OK Blogger community...I have been ignoring you but I ensure you that I am back to my blogging best...well you guys can decide after this post if I have brought my "A" game!  :)  Any hoo so it's yet another year and I have added another flaming candle on my birthday cake that is just a crappy ass reminder that I am a couple of candles short of a complete and total bon fire!  I am hoping when the bon fire occurs that the firemen who come to my rescue are hot...I am just sayin'...I have seen those firemen calendars and those dudes are total hot cakes! I may be old but my eyesight is not shot...those hotties can rescue me anytime!  OK...need to stop thinking about young hot guys and let me get back on track here... so I was at the hair salon getting my hair done, and as usual I ask my stylist if she has seen any pesky greys that need attention.  Usually she tells me no BUT this time she tells me that they have invaded!  I was like really?  Holy Shit?!  What do I do?  I tell you what I did, I had her rip all those babies out and I know what you all in blogger land are thinking...they are going to grow back like 10 fold but I am seriously hoping that theory is some crazy myth and that they won't come back at all.  Like Ever!  To say that I was horrified was an understatement...I went straight to shopping for hats online like some escapee from crazy town.  Oh yes...my mind was reeling with ways to figure out how I was going to handle those pesky irritants from ruining my life.  I know it seems pretty silly to think about a couple of greys...but what you all don't know in blogger land is that my hair is like black...like midnight black, so these greys are going to glow like an old ass beacon.  Yeah...those grey's have to go...so like the uber control freak that I am, I had my stylist lighten up the locks and add some blonde in there to disguise any further grey guests that come to visit.  I hate visitors to begin with and these visitors are worse then your family invading your house un-announced...these visitors I want to beat with a bat and send them back to wherever dead grey hair goes to die. Yeah to say that I am freaking out is an understatement...those non blonde's have to go...like now and have the common sense to never come back or face the wrath of my tweezers!  Sheesh...this getting old crap is a lot of work...I mean seriously who knew getting old was going to require this much thought and work...obviously Clairol did...those guys are geniuses!  :)