What Not To Wear

OK...so I have been invited to various Christmas parties this year, and with those parties come the big question that I know every girl asks herself...what the hell should I wear?  What I really hate is invitations that read "Casual Attire"...I always have to wonder what exactly does that mean?  I have made the mistake of wearing jeans to an event that advertised "Casual Attire" only to find myself to be the only under dressed fool there...I hate that feeling.  This year, I had decided that I would be a grown up, and actually try to maybe find some middle ground attire for these said "Casual" events, and I found myself in multiple Ladies departments (just the fact that I shop in the Ladies department is depressing enough) at various department stores looking for appropriate grown up attire.  What did I find?  I found a bunch of retro 80's sweater dresses and leggings that just had my name written all over them.  Remembering how I used to fondly don myself in such attire was making me all sorts of giggly and happy about actually finding something that was in style, and would solve my casual attire needs.  With a smile on my face, I grabbed a bunch of leggings and sweater dresses and proceeded to head on in to the changing rooms.  I have to admit that I was pretty pleased with my decision to go retro for these parties, and with that in mind, I started to pull on those dark black leggings that I used to love...the key word here is "used" to love.  As I stood there trying to pull the skinniest leggings up over my middle aged thighs, I started to remember why I hated the 80's.  It appeared that I had pulled even my ankle fat (if that is possible for ankles to have fat) all the way up to my ass and when I yanked that sweater dress up on over the top of my now more hideous and obvious muffin top, I was scared to look in the mirror because I knew that even wearing all black was not going to hide what was going on inside this confining tube that was lovingly called a sweater dress.  Finding the courage to look at myself in the mirror, I gasped and then had to laugh...I looked like the Madonna version of the Michelin man.  Let's just all take a second to visualize that look...right...so after reality had hit me square in the face, I started to really digest what I was seeing.  Turning around to look at my butt, I noticed some weird pattern on my leggings, and as I repeatedly tried to smooth them out with my hands, I realized that the patterns were not going away...yeah...I was trying to smooth out the backs of my thighs that were being squished by the skin tight leggings.  Laughing at my hideous discovery, I took a step back to "take in" the whole look and realized that this look probably was not even a good one in the 80’s let alone try to pull it off 25 years later. I was back at square one as far as finding my “appropriate” casual party attire.  I had NO idea what I was thinking with the sweater dress....it seemed like a good plan at the time and I can safely tell you all that the TLC channel does not need to pull me aside to let me know What Not to Wear....I think that I found that statement out the hard way! 

20X Vanity Mirror

OK...so here is my first posting about my woes on getting older.  I was looking in my 20X mirror the other day and normally,  I just put my face in it and look at just one thing...like my eyes to put eyeliner on etc.  Well, this time I just happened to take a step back and look at the full picture.  Sheesh!  What a scare that was...I saw some things in that mirror that was just down right depressing.  Let's just say that I wasn't asking it "who was the fairest in the land " for fear that I might actually break the stupid thing with laughter!  Wholly Crap!  When did I get old?  It's not like just one thing is getting old...like there are wrinkles in places where wrinkles are just WRONG!  Again...how did  this happen?  After reality hit me about how I was nearing the age of the Crypt Keeper, I in a panic,  started looking for dermatologists that specialized in skin repair and conditioning on the good old Internet...like that was going to help my current situation.  I have to admit that by frantically searching the Internet for some type of magic youth serum in the form of an expensive dermatologist, I actually started to feel better that I was "grabbing the getting old" bull by the horns.  When I had settled on my dermatologist, and I talked about it with my other half, I was set on looking into getting a skin analysis and some form of treatment schedule for my middle aged skin cells.  Going to bed that night, I felt better about what I had decided my going forward plan was going to be for my current skin affliction.  Waking up the next morning, I avoided looking at the whole sad picture in that damn 20X mirror, and with a bound and determined plan, I told myself that I was going to make that call to try to stop this thing called “aging” from happening. 
 OK so do you remember the first line of this post I said "...the other day..." ah yeah...so it has been over a month, since I had the encounter with the 20X mirror and I have still...NOT...called that damn dermatologist.  I did however, buy some eye cream, lip wrinkle treatment in the form of some crazy lip gloss, and some 1000+ SPF (well not really...I don't think SPF goes that high!) anti-wrinkle "night cream" at my local drug store.  What the hell right?  I have turned into my mother!  My poor daughter is going to have nightmares about her mother chasing her around the house trying to give her a good night kiss with smelly, nasty, cold cream smothered all over her face!  If any of you readers out there, had mothers who did this...you know EXACTLY how sad that last visual really is!   I have NO idea why I have NOT called the dermatologist...I blame it on work, my child, my husband being on travel etc. but as I sit here penning this Blog, I really think that the reason why I have not called is because that would be my first step in my “12 Step Middle Age Acceptance Anonymous” program…admitting that I am getting old.  I prefer to ignore that fact all together…well at least for now...